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  1. The shark swam away with my leg, but it was the seals who finished me off, knowing I'd clubbed one of them the week before. #vss about 23 hours ago from Twittelator
  2. "Do you want to spoon?" Jerry asked. He was standing by the bed, holding two six-foot spoons. A week later we forked for the first time #vss 11:08 AM Nov 21st from Ping.fm
  3. Derek punched me and I chased after him. When he ran behind a telephone pole, I totaled Dad's car. Little brothers can be so annoying. #vss 7:29 AM Nov 20th from Ping.fm
  4. On my 10th birthday, my parents admitted I was adopted. I left in search of my real family, turning my back on the robots who raised me #vss 9:51 AM Nov 19th from Ping.fm
  5. After being fired, Mark really needed a cuddle. That's what his germophobic Mom had called them. Everyone else called them cupcakes. #vss 7:42 AM Nov 18th from Ping.fm
  6. I woke up to a quiet house and found a domino on the other side the bed, the one-blank. Marla was giving notice, I was on my own now. #vss 7:06 AM Nov 17th from Ping.fm
  7. "I want you to know, you're the only thing that ever mattered to me," I said. "I know," whispered the bottle of Jack Daniels. #vss 6:22 AM Nov 16th from Ping.fm
  8. The rain came down and washed David's troubles away...no more bloodstains. #vss 9:04 AM Nov 15th from Ping.fm
  9. Marty was an invert, he had good luck only on Friday the 13th. Today's lottery winnings would disapear in unlucky events tomorrow. #vss 7:28 AM Nov 13th from Ping.fm
  10. I'm getting used to the darkness now. Living below the city, I eat what crawls by, I talk to who is near. My looks don't matter here. #vss 11:06 AM Nov 12th from Ping.fm
  11. I woke up in the park with a stray dog mounting my leg. The humper had become the humpee. This was my life as an out of work gigolo. #vss 9:00 AM Nov 11th from Ping.fm
  12. Years later, sitting alone in his mansion, with no one to hold him, it finally hit him. "This is what she meant." #vss 8:11 AM Nov 10th from Ping.fm
  13. Jack threw a piece of candy on the floor and watched his 3 children fight for it. The winner was groomed to protect Jack as he grew old #vss 8:49 AM Nov 9th from Ping.fm
  14. He was about to lose it when Zeppelin blared on the radio. Thinking back to his youth, he smiled while his kids tore the house apart. #vss 1:21 PM Nov 8th from Ping.fm
  15. ### I'm performing Tue as part of the cast of Start Trekkin in Austin. Improvised Star Trek spoof. Come say hi. http://j.mp/3PSQ0d ### 4:58 PM Nov 7th from Twittelator
  16. After a few days, I got used to being a bird. No more job. No more putting up with people's crap. Now, they had to put up with mine. #vss 11:36 AM Nov 7th from Ping.fm
  17. When he thought of her, he thought of Hungry, Hungry, Hippo...with her gobbling up all the marbles....but in a bed...with sticky sheets #vss 5:12 AM Nov 6th from Ping.fm
  18. The smoke cleared. Friends found Lauren's body, still at her station by the kitchen grill. The captain having gone down with her meal. #vss 9:40 AM Nov 5th from Ping.fm
  19. Swearing Marie to secrecy, we went to the underwater city where the lobsters had made me king. I did not know she would eat my queen. #vss 6:57 AM Nov 4th from Ping.fm
  20. Upset by the bad grade, Martin threw the homework across the classroom. He was put in timeout by Ms. Stein, his son's teacher. #vss 3:58 PM Nov 3rd from Ping.fm