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UnkleMunky

  1. How come shepherds don't fall asleep when they're counting their sheep? Hello? 3:16 AM Nov 25th from web
  2. You know you're in love when you get upset about lowercase kisses that really ought to be in capitals XXXX 4:19 AM Nov 22nd from web
  3. #youknowyouinlove when your ringtone declares that you're on top of the world, as opposed to being under the weather. 10:28 AM Nov 21st from web
  4. #youknowyouinlove when your porno stash remains untouched for months on end. 7:56 AM Nov 21st from web
  5. #youknowyouinlove when you happily forsake a night out with the boys for a night in with a girl. 7:44 AM Nov 21st from web
  6. #youknowyouinlove when the ads on your Gmail account start to read like a Mills & Boon novel. 7:33 AM Nov 21st from web
  7. #youknowyouinlove when you conceal your innate fear of spiders and agree to humanely remove the eight legged monster from her bath. 7:32 AM Nov 21st from web
  8. Why did I have to ask a philosopher for directions? I’ve a lifetime to find myself but only minutes to locate a toilet! 9:54 AM Nov 19th from web
  9. This is the first tweed from my new mobility foam. Damn this predictive text! 7:14 AM Nov 11th from web
  10. My neighbour says his new touch-screen phone is very much like his wife: Difficult to navigate and occasionally averse to physical contact. 11:30 AM Nov 9th from web
  11. Sometimes I can sense that my Hoover needs emptying before the warning light comes on. It's good to use the force in a domestic setting. 11:02 AM Nov 9th from web
  12. My mate Ian is dating a fiery Aries girl. He says he's worried because he's a half-soaked Pisces and he doesn't want to quench her passion. 5:46 AM Nov 4th from web
  13. Phil Collins famously dumped his ex-partner by fax. Many people found it hard to believe. Me too. Who faxes anymore? 11:02 AM Nov 2nd from web
  14. My mate's cousin lost his legs in Afghanistan recently. It's such a shame. He wore a size ten and I'm a size nine. Ahem. Hello? 9:30 AM Oct 30th from web
  15. Someone threw half a pint of lager over me last night. I was quite insulted. Surely I'm worthy of a full pint!? 11:35 AM Oct 28th from web
  16. It's a shame that the Dodo is extinct. I wouldn't of minded tasting one. 8:40 AM Oct 18th from web
  17. I learned today that Jesus had twelve followers... I wonder how many of them were spammers? 6:19 AM Oct 14th from web
  18. The old woman next door has had a stairlift installed. And they reckon young people are lazy? 10:01 AM Oct 12th from web
  19. The model who posed for The Playboy 2009 Jigsaw Puzzle has very distinctive pubic hair. Oh no... My mistake. There's a piece missing. Ahem. 9:39 AM Oct 11th from web
  20. I am currently haemorrhaging followers at the rate of approximately one a day. If I were more evolved I would probably be quite upset. 7:48 AM Oct 10th from web