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TwopTwips

OLD PEOPLE. Coats and hats are perfect for stopping you getting sunburnt. (via @JCautomatic) about 17 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
ThePoke Cassetteboy vs The Diamond Queen thepoke.co.uk/2012/05/28/cas… via @thepoke + @cassetteboy about 18 hours ago via Tweet Button Retweeted by TwopTwips and 41 others
HEAT MAGAZINE. Apparently, some celebrities have lost weight, and some have put it on. Possible feature idea? (via @sixft2blue) about 17 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
RECREATE a game of Pacman by trying to avoid the salesmen in a furniture store. (via @markb384) about 20 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
INFLATE your whoopee cushion with actual farts for added authenticity. (via @FrankieMcGinty) about 22 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
@RickHarwood @JCautomatic Ha! about 22 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to RickHarwood
GET VALUE for money from your Stannah stair lift by buying it in your early 30s. (via @country_vince) about 22 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
@vivahate72 Shut it, man. You’re the only one who’s realised. 2:14 PM May 25th via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to vivahate72
CONVINCE people you are Michael McIntyre by nodding a lot and noticing things. (via @kbutler88) 2:07 PM May 25th via Tweetbot for iOS
PUNCTUATE the spoken word by frowning and smiling for brackets, staring straight ahead for colons and winking for semi-colons. @genuine_eel 4:40 AM May 25th via Tweetbot for iOS
SHAKESPEARE. Avoid any future ambiguity as to whether you actually wrote your own work by signing them TheRealShakespeare. (via @jojubs) 4:34 AM May 25th via Tweetbot for iOS
@RickHarwood @WH1SKS @ImSimonOakley How can he marry it? You’re preposterous, Rick. Truly preposterous. 1:53 AM May 25th via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to RickHarwood
FOOL. Your. Friends. Into. Thinking. You're. William. Shatner. By. Writing. All. Your. Texts. Like. This. (via @GarethAveyard) 12:32 AM May 25th via Tweetbot for iOS
@orangeaurochs @LaydenRobinson Do you know this man? He seems awfully forward. 3:17 PM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to orangeaurochs
A FACIAL tattoo is an excellent icebreaker when meeting a girlfriend's parents for the first time. (via @Booneyboone) 3:16 PM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS
@JonBartons Ha! So it is. 11:41 AM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to JonBartons
@LilyHillHerself @b_wildered I'm a chav myself (or charver, as we say up here), so feel able to get away with it. 10:41 AM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to LilyHillHerself
CHAV GIRLS. It's been a warm day. Wring out your Uggs ready for the morning. (via @ b_wildered) 10:24 AM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS
BUYING Facebook shares is a more environmentally friendly way of disposing of money than flushing it down the toilet. (via @orangeaurochs) 7:50 AM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS
@davesusetty Aww, the poor stripy bastard. 7:10 AM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS in reply to davesusetty

Name Twop Twips
Location Holywell, Northumberland
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Bio PEDDLERS. Want to offer a Twop Twips prize? Phone toptipstwitter@gmail.com. (If you're really bored you could also follow @Twips2)