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TweetOnTees

  1. Officer, we can either quarrel over this speeding ticket now or we can resolve this over few beers with the President. http://tr.im/Byd9
  2. I stole the cookies from the cookie jar... http://tr.im/CjDU
  3. Please tell your wife to stop sexting me. http://tr.im/C0Z8
  4. Our plane's been waiting for take off clearance so long, the toddler behind me has spoken 3 new words. Not nice ones. http://tr.im/BVGJ
  5. Sadly, my day requires pants. http://tr.im/BBOc
  6. Officer, we can either quarrel over this ticket now or we can resolve this over few beers with the President of the USA. http://tr.im/Byd9
  7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you...
  8. Check out our graphic tees: http://www.tweetontees.com
  9. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
  10. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" route option.
  11. He just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like I was revving my engine.
  12. Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home.
  13. I got kicked out of Barnes and Noble when I put all the bibles in the fiction section.
  14. We're out of white wine, toilet paper and Windex... too hard to explain via text.
  15. My pen is enormous.
  16. Thinking the moonwalk was the quietest way to sneak out of a bedroom.
  17. Confidence is sexy... right?
  18. ɟɟo ssıd & noʎ ʞuɐɥʇ ˙looʇsɹɐq ǝɥʇ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd & dn ǝɯ ʞɔıd ǝsɐǝld ˙˙˙sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı
  19. Sadly, my day requires pants.
  20. I'm huge... on Twitter.