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TomKnoop

  1. If you give up your bus seat to an old lady, then steal her purse, do those deeds cancel each other out? Just curious. 8:00 AM May 25th via web
  2. Time for brunch, or as I like to call it "lazy man's breakfast" 9:55 AM May 20th via web
  3. Waiting for the iPhone ad where Samuel L. Jackson asks Siri, "Do I look like a bitch?!" Siri responds, "What?" and then he shoots it. 4:38 PM May 16th via web
  4. Theodore Roosevelt said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Brag much, Teddy? 8:56 AM Apr 30th via web
  5. New Jersey is New York's dingleberry. 3:14 PM Apr 24th via web
  6. Go up to a TSA agent at the security check and ask if it's okay to bring "balm" on the plane. You'll both share a good laugh. 7:00 AM Apr 18th via web
  7. @catheybleu to the rescue! 9:04 PM Apr 17th via web in reply to catheybleu
  8. I know the sign says "employees must wash their hands before leaving the bathroom" but I would suggest everyone do it, just for fun. 10:18 AM Apr 15th via Twitter for iPad
  9. Getting ready to have my nice suit pressed. It looks really classy covered in that protective garbage bag. 10:20 AM Apr 12th via Twitter for iPad
  10. The guy who traded Jack the magic beans for a cow was probably just really sick of eating green beans all day. 9:39 AM Apr 11th via web
  11. Every time I hear a commercial for AMC's The Pitch, I think they're saying The Bitch. #AndNowYouWillToo 7:20 AM Apr 9th via Twitter for iPad
  12. Picked the winning horse at the Santa Anita Derby and won a free World Wide Stout from @dogfishbeer! It's my lucky day! 4:20 PM Apr 7th via web
  13. "You think you're all that and a bag of tortilla chips" #MexicanInsult 2:22 PM Apr 5th via web
  14. "You ARE all that and a bag of potato chips!" #HipsterInsults 9:06 PM Apr 4th via web
  15. Things overheard in a silly hat store: "take my picture!" Things never heard in a silly hat store: "Thanks for buying a hat." 1:33 PM Mar 23rd via web
  16. Come on, Lou Bega, we're all waiting for Mambo Number 6! 6:49 PM Mar 12th via web
  17. Do you think the black jelly bean, the yellow Starburst and the green Jolly Rancher all hang out together? #CuzTheyDontGetEaten 5:08 PM Mar 9th via web
  18. @annaworster is going to have to hurry up and snatch up the username @annaknoop. #Engaged 7:04 PM Feb 27th via web
  19. Counting down the hours until Anna and I drink Pliny the Younger @Elliottbaypizza! #ItsPastNoonSoItsOK 1:01 PM Feb 21st via web