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thenickgriffin

  1. Two shows tonight. Two shows tomorrow at the San Francisco Punch Line. Come out to see the brand new joke I wrote.
  2. there's a rob schneider movie on the entertainment channel. isn't that false advertising?
  3. How often do you think Brad Pitt's penis thanks him?
  4. Bummed that chernobyl diaries got bad reviews. Guess I'll skip it and kill teenagers on my own.
  5. @lizzy_keenan you're a big help.
  6. "I need sex." "I suck" "Take a nap" "You blew it." "I'm awesome" "More towels?" - the voices in my head until housekeeping arrives.
  7. I wish I was a superhero. That way I could wear tights every day and not feel self conscious about it.
  8. Doing stand up this week at the Punch Line in San Francisco. Would it kill you to come by?
  9. three weeks away from my apartment. hope no one broke in and stole my shattered dreams.
  10. ladies, when you are horny, that's how a guy feels right after sex.
  11. @Elissarrr ditto
  12. Some guy, "Why is the starbucks lady going so slow?" Maybe because waiting on people like you sucks the life out of her. #dontbeadick
  13. in my hotel room wearing a cardigan sweater eating pop tarts and trying to write jokes. nervous breakdown in ten. nine. eight. seven.
  14. I woke up feeling good today. And that worries me.
  15. Battleship and What to Expect When You're Expecting open Friday, but if you listen carefully, you can hear the sucking already.
  16. going. to keep. writing. must. prove. voices in my head. wrong. but pillow. working. against me.
  17. @bobby1boucher no. i'm sorry
  18. I'm in Los Angeles takiing meetings. And by meetings I mean naps and pills.
  19. I hope Chris Hemsworth gets some parts soon.