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TEAM_HEADLINE

  1. “Is Tiger Woods a Role Model?” No. Billionaire sports icon who has sex with many, many beautiful ladies? The word for that is “Hero.” #THRB 2 minutes ago from web
  2. “Financial Planners Fight Madoff Taint.” You know what? Make up your own joke, folks. I’m just happy this one didn’t have pictures. #THRB 2 minutes ago from web
  3. “Kid Solves Rubik's Cube in Minutes.” Big deal. So did I. All you need is a hammer, some glue and a little patience. #THRB 3 minutes ago from web
  4. “Brain of Famous Amnesiac Mapped.” Map tattooed onto Amnesiac’s chest. Which then somehow led him to kill Joe Pantoliano. In reverse. #THRB 3 minutes ago from web
  5. “Brain of Famous Amnesiac Mapped.” Researchers then lost map, forgot they made it in the first place, then wandered away. #THRB 4 minutes ago from web
  6. “Deer Herd Tramples Woman at Store.” Officials blame Wal-Mart’s insanely low Black Friday sale prices on salt licks and tic spray. #THRB 5 minutes ago from web
  7. “10M Slim-Fast Cans Recalled.” Turns out beige-flavored chalk slurry doesn’t actually help you lose weight. Who knew? #THRB 5 minutes ago from web
  8. “Did Woods Pay to Quiet One Alleged Mistress?” The better question is, why he didn’t pay the other eleven. #THRB about 23 hours ago from web
  9. “Groom Creates Viral Storm Tweeting From Altar.” Not to be confused with “viral storm” he picked up at bachelor party in Vegas. #THRB about 23 hours ago from web
  10. “Obama: Job Summit Produces Ideas.” Here’s hoping the eventual Idea Summit will produce some jobs. #THRB about 23 hours ago from web
  11. “It's NJ Senators' Turn to Vote on Gay Marriage.” It should pass in Jersey. The state where everybody “knows a guy who knows a guy.” #THRB about 23 hours ago from web
  12. “Maid Suicides Bring Questions.” Chief among them, just WHO exactly is going to mop this blood off the Venetian marble? #THRB about 23 hours ago from web
  13. “Poll: Isolationism Soaring Among Americans.” Pollsters added: “Or at least we assume it is. Nobody’s answering their doors. #THRB about 23 hours ago from web
  14. “Cheney Beats Back 2012 Efforts.” Says to hell with the Mayans, he’ll destroy the world when he’s goddamn good and ready. #THRB 2:47 PM Dec 2nd from web
  15. “Meredith Baxter: Yes, I'm gay.” And no, my mother wasn’t an acrobat, said Baxter, continuing to answer questions nobody was asking. #THRB 2:46 PM Dec 2nd from web
  16. “Ex-Miss Argentina Dies After Cosmetic Buttock Surgery.” Ironic since at the Pearly Gates she’s likely to hear the term “perfect ass.” #THRB 9:13 AM Dec 1st from web
  17. “Nicole Richie to Star in Sit-Com.” Wait. ‘Bones’ is a sit-com? #THRB 9:12 AM Dec 1st from web
  18. “Manufacturing Activity Rises for 4th Month.” That’s great news for whatever country all our factories moved to. #THRB 9:12 AM Dec 1st from web
  19. “Study Finds Loneliness Can Be Contagious.” World Health Organization braces for spread of H1-NoOne. #THRB 9:11 AM Dec 1st from web
  20. “Husband: We Didn’t Crash White House Dinner.” Tiger crashed. We just snuck in uninvited. #THRB 9:11 AM Dec 1st from web
  • Name Team Headline
  • Location Everywhereish.
  • Bio An intrepid team of mockticians turn headlines into punchlines.
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