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Sontra

  1. "It's a good thing I don't have a genie right now, because I'd probably regret those wishes real soon."
  2. "Exciting news!" "You're pregnant?" "... No." "You've been approved for liposuction?"
  3. Remember when I used to tweet while I pooped? Yeah, I'm doing that again.
  4. Alrighty, I've got some Google Wave invites and am in need of a blowjob. Who can do the math?
  5. Fine! I'll admit it! I'm racist against Glenn Beck. And, I suppose, anyone who watches Fox News non-ironically.
  6. "I don't need no euphemisms for my dick."
  7. No Facebook, I do not want to reconnect with <Insert Name>. They're only still a "friend" because I'm too much of a wuss to delete them.
  8. Unisex bathrooms remind women that men are slobs.
  9. Dear 3 am. Stop it.
  10. A 15 page paper on the politics of technology? Pshaw. Forget that. Just read my twitter stream.
  11. WTF? "I love the texture of your vagina."
  12. "Oh yeah? Well, your face is headed towards the rough." Lesson learned. Don't take the girlfriend golfing ever again.
  13. This year, I'm thankful for my roommate's parents who gave him leftovers that I'm going to steal when he goes to bed.
  14. Dear Brian Herbert: We get it. You hated your father. Ten books was enough to shit on his grave. Now, please, stop publishing Dune novels.
  15. It took me 3 tries for that last tweet, proving that I do not deserve a Nobel Prize for Spelling. Or Being Funny. Or Peace.
  16. President Obama winning a Nobel proves he isn't American, because it means he is liked. And we all know Americans are completely unlikeable.
  17. Google Wave invites don`t come for free people. If you want something, you have to suck the necessary amount of dick to get it.
  18. Okay, Mr. President, Chicago can hold the Sontra-lypics if you really, really want.
  19. Roses are red, Violets are blue, Let's see if you can sleep with him when you're chained to my radiator you cheating whore.
  20. Hey Freud, could my oral fixation actually be a highly specialized anal fixation?