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Sontra

  1. Eight hours of Rock Band only has one ending: me not getting laid.
  2. Only dead fish give up on their duties as governor.
  3. Coming soon to FOX: Less To Love - The show where one bulimic man tries to find love among eight anorexic women.
  4. Proof of a Vengeful God: Waking up before the sun.
  5. It is 4 am. If you're reading this, you're either in between porn sites or in between porn sites. You sick, twisted bastard.
  6. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Absence reminds me how awesome it is not to be bitched at for my shitty facial hair.
  7. I'm sure glad Michael Jackson died so I could forget about that whole Iran thing.
  8. I don't know what a normal mother/son relationship is like, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve teabagging...
  9. Either that .jpeg is a .gif or I'm seeing things.
  10. I am drenched in a weird red liquid that smells of strawberry (Unrelated: I'm not single anymore! My new girlfriend is Strawberry Shortcake)
  11. Sitting here on the bus, I see a father and son who can only be described as Kid Rock and Baby Rock. What an odd city I live in.
  12. "Your grandmother and I have a lot in common. For example, we've both seen you naked."
  13. "Can I put my bookmark in your page?" Clearly we haven't dirty-talked in a long time...
  14. Masquerading as a man with a reason / My charade is the event of the season #FNF
  15. I just finished the Internet. I give it 3/5 stars. While the characters were interesting, the plot was perplexing at best.
  16. Being sick is what dying must feel like.
  17. I haven't seen Transformers 2 yet. But I did just puke. So I guess I saved $10.
  18. The RIAA successfully sued a woman for 1.92 million for 24 songs. This is why people pirate music. $80,000 for a song is totally overpriced!
  19. Vodka + Twizzlers = Best Puke Ever
  20. "I wouldn't fuck her with my buddy's dick."