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ShuffShuff

  1. Someone should introduce David Guetta to a thesaurus or something.
  2. No! Of course your six photo albums of self-portraits don't make you look self-conscious! And we also believe your hair colors!
  3. I'm told that a "shareable dessert" isn't a dessert whose calories are shared between your thighs and tummy. Whatever.
  4. Luke Skywalker didn't need a GPS to blow up the death star, so I sure as shit don't need one to find a restaurant.
  5. Oh, honey. Calling her T-Swift doesn't make you any more of a man.
  6. Well, it's 2 PM and I've managed to shower. Let's call it a day.
  7. I'm thinking about possible careers but I can't find any job field outlook information for Vagabond Petting Zoo er, Inspector.
  8. 80% of my deleted-before-publishing @-replies, direct messages, and answers are marriage proposals. I love you guys. Especially you.
  9. I just refrained from doing something because of a lesson I learned in Mean Girls.
  10. You can tell I had an essay due today because my jeans are alphabetized.
  11. What this salad needs is some fro-yo.
  12. I've successfully avoided having poorly-executed retweets of my work by never being funny, ever.
  13. I've been informed that yes, there is "football or something" on tonight.
  14. Yeah, yeah, I see how it is, parents. Talking to boys is a bad idea, right up until Move-In Day.
  15. Someone please tell the cat that we're not on speaking terms until she stops harassing my Twinkies.
  16. This toaster needs an undo button. Get in the game, Black & Decker! Even Microsoft Word doesn't make me *eat* my regrets.
  17. Absence makes the heart fonder and my bedroom an "ironing studio."
  18. Now that I searched the library web site for "Man and Spermman," I'm not sure if the real George Bernard Shaw has a chance.
  19. I swear, CNN must be staffed by an army of gossip-hungry fourteen-year-olds.
  20. I opened this box of Heart Healthy SmartStart four hours ago. It's 2/3 of the way gone. Substance Abuse: I'm do it wrong.