shitmydadsays
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"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."
9:54 AM Aug 30th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."
2:33 PM Aug 7th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
9:17 AM Jul 19th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
9:41 AM Jun 28th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
8:35 AM Jun 17th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
6:08 PM Jun 4th
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"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
12:10 PM May 26th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.”
10:39 AM Apr 16th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."
11:30 AM Apr 12th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"
12:34 PM Apr 8th
via ShitMyDadSays.com
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"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
9:57 AM Mar 26th
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"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
10:00 AM Mar 16th
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"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
10:41 AM Mar 6th
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"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
3:02 PM Feb 22nd
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"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
12:33 PM Feb 9th
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"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
1:56 PM Feb 5th
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“Calm down. You don’t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.”
11:39 AM Jan 27th
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"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle."
12:21 PM Jan 23rd
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"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
10:14 AM Jan 19th
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"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$
10:46 AM Jan 14th
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- Name Justin
- Web http://www.shitmy...
- Bio I'm 29. I live with my 74-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says
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