shitmydadsays
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"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book out today. An excerpt:
12:10 PM May 15th
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"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
10:20 AM May 11th
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"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book
12:48 PM May 1st
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"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book:
12:06 PM Apr 24th
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"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book:
11:04 AM Apr 17th
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"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.
9:44 AM Apr 5th
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"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
8:07 AM Mar 23rd
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"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports.
8:54 AM Mar 7th
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"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
9:40 AM Feb 8th
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"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."
10:56 AM Jan 4th
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A response to my dad's question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?"
10:41 AM Dec 20th, 2011
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My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world.
11:01 AM Dec 5th, 2011
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"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
9:54 AM Nov 28th, 2011
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"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."
10:49 AM Oct 21st, 2011
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"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
10:12 AM Oct 12th, 2011
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"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
10:24 AM Sep 14th, 2011
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"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
10:45 AM Aug 11th, 2011
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"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
10:05 AM Jul 18th, 2011
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A short story about why my dad thinks Father's Day is bullshit.
9:24 AM Jun 14th, 2011
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"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."
12:17 PM May 11th, 2011
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- Name Justin
- Web http://www.twitte...
- Bio Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says
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