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RexHuppke

  1. I've been trying for an hour to get my magic mouse to scroll my couch into the kitchen for a snack. This thing's worthless.
  2. BREAKING NEWS: I think I have a chest cold. Phlegm at 11.
  3. He whispered, "I have to work," even though it was Saturday. She didn't wake. His friends were right. Hamsters make terrible companions.
  4. Remember kids, funny folk die without those yummy gold stars to the right of the tweet. Register at @favstar or @favrd. Click. Save a clown.
  5. When I was a kid I used to go in the yard at night, hook up the hose and squirt water at the moon. Didn't realize I'd hit it.
  6. I pretend people I hate have H1N1 then I squirt Purell at them. Fortunately, the law has yet to catch up to this pandemic.
  7. @brianbolter Dude. You're a Tri-Leg-head, too? Sweet. Let's hook up for the 2011 TLF fest in Akron. I'll bring the book of canid jokes.
  8. @sucittaM Congratulations. It's a smurf.
  9. First I was afraid, I was petrified would be a pretty funny line to use if you were a tree.
  10. All funnier than Palin's new book: @twistedpfister @Rationalists @crackbarbie @lafix @bonisteel @iamnotdiddy @jorshuwah #followfriday
  11. Colorado is now known for both mountains and @beersuds. I prefer the latter, as it has fewer wild goats on it. #followfriday
  12. Don't know where @sucittaM has been all my life, but dude makes good funny. And as everyone knows, good funny is good. #followfriday
  13. All I know is @angryoldcoot is better at being angry, old and a coot than anyone else I know. #followfriday
  14. I don't quite remember what life was like before I started following @aedison, but I'm pretty sure it was just awful. #followfriday
  15. I keep throwing stars at @MrBigFists but he keeps swatting them away with his enormous hands. He's quite agile. #followfriday
  16. This morning has had the comedic subtlety of a circa-1995 Adam Sandler movie.
  17. "YOU can't believe it's not butter. But I CHOOSE to not believe it's not butter." Never grocery shop with a philosopher.
  18. @bonisteel Hah! Sadly, no such phrase has ever been uttered in my direction. Hopefully not in Larry's either.
  19. OK, that last tweet proves I'm a moron. It's just that any time I hear "King" I immediately think Larry. It's a burden.
  20. I like your "Fresh Hot Coffee" sign cause the coffee's neither hot nor fresh, may not even be coffee, and I LOVE irony and punching people.