RatsRunThisTown
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So what if I can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
about 17 hours ago
via Favstar.FM
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I love being raised by my father. He's schizophrenic but he's good people.
about 17 hours ago
via web
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My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster but it only made it more sluggish.
about 20 hours ago
via web
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I love the amount of sex I'm getting with all the women at work.
Its one of the main reasons I became an undertaker in the first place.
7:23 AM Jun 2nd
via Twitter for iPhone
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I'm not a Gynecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.
2:18 AM Jun 2nd
via web
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1) Buy a sword. 2) Call it Kindness. 3) Kill people with Kindness.
12:43 PM Jun 1st
via web
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@ I'm sorry it took this long to tweet this:
10:10 AM Jun 1st
via web
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Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I have no condom, so anal maybe?
8:43 AM Jun 1st
via web
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Call me. Fuck this "Maybe" bullshit.
7:40 AM Jun 1st
via web
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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping they are more brave than I am.
3:51 PM May 31st
via web
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I was going to tell a joke about Chris Brown but I forgot the punch line.
2:27 PM May 31st
via web
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Why can't the Tyrannosaurus Rex clap? Because they're dead.
6:38 AM May 31st
via web
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What if Twitter was actually important enough to justify the 23 hours a day we spend on it?
3:06 PM May 30th
via web
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I can't believe all the singles in my area who want to meet me. It's probably because of all the iPads I've won.
11:50 AM May 30th
via Favstar.FM
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I always saw Will Smith as a white Denzel Washington.
11:17 AM May 30th
via Tweetbot for iOS
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"Ugh tell me about it!" translates as "Please don't fucking bore me with your irrelevant story".
9:31 AM May 30th
via web
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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7? I still love vista, baby.
6:31 AM May 30th
via web
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What if Harry Potter was in a mental hospital after the car crash where his parents died, and he created Hogwarts as a coping mechanism.
1:33 AM May 30th
via web
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Velcro - What a rip off.
8:03 AM May 29th
via web
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It's not rape if they're corpses.
7:19 AM May 28th
via web
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