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RapierTwit

  1. Wondering if this is now Buyer's Remorse Wednesday
  2. I'll tell you what Black Friday is. I went to the mall, they were out of what I wanted, they ordered it from a kiosk web connection.
  3. I looked it up. ROFLMAO isn't in the Scrabble dictionary.
  4. I was kidnapped recently, and my friends jumped into action. They fought over my stuff.
  5. wondering if pickpockets are Law of Distraction marketing artists
  6. Wondering why they report power outages on TV
  7. Good news: girls get out of North Korea. Bad news: Bill C's on the plane home and looking for a cigar.
  8. wondering how Teflon sticks to the pan
  9. Want #MJ THOUSANDS #MJ of followers? Just #MJ buy #MJ my SECRETS #MJ of Twitter and #MJ SEX!
  10. wondering how to get rid of a guy. Febreze isn't working.
  11. appreciating the new Twitter Verified accounts; otherwise I wouldn't have known if it was the REAL Britney $&#*## Vids
  12. It's reported that cell phones could kill more people than cigarettes. It's why I don't smoke them.
  13. Wondering if the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield is its butt...
  14. Present and accounted for, but only from the neck down
  15. Kiefer Sutherland's "victim" - headbutted or buttheaded?
  16. Canceled my trip to the high school down the street because somebody's sick. Booked a trip to Cancun.
  17. Celebrating Quatro de Mayo, the official "o, caca, no quiero hablar francés" day
  18. Wondering why we use big words when diminutive ones will suffice
  19. Planning a seminar on time travel for two weeks ago.
  20. Afraid my suicidal twin will kill me by mistake