Petherwin
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RT @: I am deeply and truly grateful for all the turkeys I am no longer dating.
about 11 hours ago
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Hammerhead sharks don’t do oral. Too painful.
about 11 hours ago
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I’m not saying I minded my ex-wife being noisy and energetic in bed. It’s just that sometimes I couldn't get to sleep.
about 11 hours ago
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RT @: Everytime I slow down to pick up a hitchhiker, they see my tear stained cheeks and kids, and quickly wave me on with thei
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about 11 hours ago
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By family tradition, we kill our own goose on Christmas morning. It’s not a sacrifice, by the way. Though obviously it is for the goose.
about 11 hours ago
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I believe men should play their part in contraception. I do my bit by telling jokes in bed.
about 11 hours ago
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The sound of one hand clapping? Bullshit. The sound of one hand slapping, yes. Preferably against the faces of pseudo-Zen bullshitters.
about 11 hours ago
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I can’t maintain an erection with a woman who wears a Dutch cap. The pointy bits keep poking me in the eye.
about 12 hours ago
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I can hear my neighbours having sex through the wall. Apparently, they’ve got their own glory hole in there.
about 12 hours ago
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RT @: He moved to Churchill, Manitoba because it is the polar bear capital of the world. But he didn't like being governed
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about 12 hours ago
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She arrived wearing a small black number. I tried to flirt with her, but she brushed me off. I suppose she needed to get over the marathon.
about 12 hours ago
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I recently met my ex-girlfriend over a bottle of wine. “Well," she explained, "it’s better than no sex at all”.
about 12 hours ago
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People assume the Queen’s corgis live a life of luxury, but it can’t be much fun constantly dodging Prince Philip’s boot.
about 12 hours ago
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@ Ha ha! Touché.
about 12 hours ago
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in reply to slugworthy
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I’m not fussy about breast size. I’ve dated women with large and small breasts. OK, they look a bit lopsided, but, as I say, I’m not fussy.
about 12 hours ago
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"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!" Sarah Silverman
about 13 hours ago
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RT @ The only way Pixar could be responsible for more of my tears is if they collectively were a guy who didn't appreciate me.
about 14 hours ago
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I'm so uncool, I've reached the point where teenagers call me cool.
about 15 hours ago
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@ Judging by your tweets, I'd diagnose this as Kirkegaardian angst (which can sometimes come up in pellets, so take care).
about 15 hours ago
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in reply to slugworthy
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I know my girlfriend's sexual needs so well, she no longer uses her vibrator. Thing of the past since I bought her the three-speed whisk.
10:00 AM Nov 23rd
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- Name Petherwin
- Location SW England
- Bio We are disconnected beings floundering in a void, like crabs sinking in bottomless custard.
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