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OnlyJokes

  1. If you had a stroke, you’d be laughing on the other side of your face 3:33 PM Aug 31st, 2011 via web from Nottingham, Nottingham
  2. People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works." Hannibal Buress 12:21 AM Aug 27th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  3. "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." Tim Vine 2:22 AM Aug 26th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  4. "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..." Tim Key 8:21 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  5. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." Matt Kirshen 7:20 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  6. "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." Alan Sharp 6:19 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  7. "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife." Mark Watson 4:18 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  8. "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails." Andrew Lawrence 3:30 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via TweetDeck
  9. "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." Nick Helm 3:25 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via web from Nottingham, Nottingham
  10. "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." DeAnne Smith 2:47 PM Aug 25th, 2011 via web from Nottingham, Nottingham
  11. Does a chocolate orange count towards one of your five a day? 9:27 AM Jul 29th, 2011 via web
  12. I was Christened with a flame thrower. That was a baptism of fire I tell you! 12:07 PM Jul 22nd, 2011 via web from Nottingham, Nottingham
  13. WHAT do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together? ...Swimming trunks. 11:58 AM Jul 22nd, 2011 via web from Nottingham, Nottingham
  14. The thing about fish fingers is that they are all so handy 3:29 PM Jun 15th, 2011 via web
  15. When spies are using invisible ink, how do they know when their pens run out? 3:27 PM Jun 15th, 2011 via web from Nottingham, Nottingham
  16. The doctor said to me, “Lie down on the couch.” I said, “RU going 2 examine me?” He said “No, I need 2 hoover.” 2:09 PM Jun 1st, 2011 via web
  17. I said to this barn owl, “I’ve just got engaged.” He said, “You twit. To who?” 2:03 PM May 8th, 2011 via SocialOomph