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MattRepchak

  1. Unspoken Thanksgiving tradition: talking yourself into boring TV programming because you are too full of turkey and starch to be discerning. about 14 hours ago from Tweetie
  2. It reminds them not to trust anyone who lists "pandemic" as a negotiating tactic. Plus they give thanks when tests come back negative. 6:58 PM Nov 25th from web
  3. To celebrate the holiday each year, I dust some blankets with itching powder and donate them to the local Seminole tribe. 6:51 PM Nov 25th from web
  4. @harmarsuperstar Do you get the feeling that some SNL writers saw Crappy Veterans Day and thought "that could use a little Jimmy Stewart"? 10:46 AM Nov 15th from web
  5. @JoshMalina What's the address to this "Google"? Is there some place where I can look it up online? 10:03 AM Nov 13th from web in reply to JoshMalina
  6. If I'm understanding my upstairs neighbor correctly through the ceiling, the Call of Duty is a puberty-wrought howl aimed at the television. 5:51 PM Nov 11th from Tweetie
  7. RT @FakeAPStylebook Avoid the archaic term "lunatic." Specify whether the subject suffers from Hulkamania or Macho Madness. 11:51 AM Nov 2nd from web
  8. I am considering a switch to my backup costume and gameplan, Guy Who Really Misunderstood The Mechanics Of Daylight Savings Time. 12:51 PM Nov 1st from Tweetie
  9. My costume, Sexy Vampire Who Thumbs His Nose At Social Absolutes Of When To Demand Candy Door-to-Door, isn't going over well this morning. 12:48 PM Nov 1st from Tweetie
  10. At a concert where DJ came out in Scream mask/costume and played "Tequila". Only tweeting to remind myself it's 2009. 4:45 PM Oct 29th from Tweetie
  11. Any time I go to Target, I have to avoid wearing a red shirt. No other store has that problem, unless you count No Pants Friday at Walmart. 3:24 PM Oct 24th from web
  12. No, your honor, I don't think my problem is too much jelly. I think my problem is a couple slices of bread with no self respect. 6:45 AM Oct 13th from web
  13. @GregCreese You really paint a vivid picture. I didn't watch the game, but to read your tweets I FEEL like I was there. 6:38 AM Oct 13th from web in reply to GregCreese
  14. Publix Supermarkets, if you change the layout of your store again without consulting me first, we're going to be in an Internet fight. 4:58 PM Oct 12th from web
  15. I'm alone on one of the cardio machines at the gym. A guy gets on the one next to me. This has happened six times. I am changing my shampoo. 9:44 AM Oct 12th from web
  16. Heard a guy tell his girlfriend "you're not God!" in front of the Winn Dixie meat case on a Sunday night. I think she kinda knew already. 7:55 PM Oct 11th from web
  17. When Kenan Thompson is the funniest part of your sketch, you're doing it wrong. Thank you, Drew Barrymore, for hopefully killing Gilly. 8:50 PM Oct 10th from web
  18. Dear Maryland bees: congrats on learning to drive, but I think you should have focused on spelling first. http://yfrog.com/16vzagj 10:41 AM Oct 9th from Tweetie
  19. http://twitpic.com/kdzk8 - Here's a preview of my new reality series on TLC, "Little Rascals, Big Pimpin'": 11:16 AM Oct 5th from TwitPic
  20. As far as I can tell, Christina Aguilera was killed and Lady GaGa is one of the four CA impostors who now claim to be her. #supermanjokes 9:14 PM Oct 3rd from web