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MJOffen

  1. Thank you, 4th car I passed downtown on a peculiar 6 lane road, for letting me know it was ONE WAY. To the 3 who acted like it was fine, WTF 3:13 PM May 27th via Twitter for iPhone
  2. "Lady, can you *please* shut that baby up?" "But it's not even mine, I just found it in my uterus!" 2:32 PM May 25th via Twitter for iPhone
  3. The Jackson 5 are going on tour. That's right, FIVE. Thank you, holographic technology. Michael Jackson is moonwalking in his grave. 8:33 PM May 23rd via Twitter for iPhone
  4. Fuck u & ur pedo ads, "Forever 21"! Why not get honest & call ur stores "Forever 14-Only Let's Pretend It's Legal" (U 2, "American Apparel") 7:49 PM May 23rd via Twitter for iPhone
  5. I got an email offer for an awesome new invention: "Water Activated Cleaning Blocks"! The are REVOLUTIONARY sponge-like, exactly sponges! 9:33 AM May 20th via Twitter for iPhone
  6. There are so many perks to walking a dog - like now I won't need to purchase that Shit Detector. 10:42 AM May 19th via Twitter for iPhone
  7. It's tough dating someone out of your league. I mean, I imagine. 12:43 AM May 19th via Twitter for iPhone
  8. There are about 50 hot women in this club, yet about 300 tits. I'm no mathematician, but I might be gay now. 12:06 AM May 19th via Twitter for iPhone
  9. Thanks for the shout out, @helloanimonster! New Followers: set your expectations low. 9:07 PM May 18th via Twitter for iPhone
  10. I'm listening to Skrillex on Pandora bit.ly/KlgcSz #pandora 12:07 PM May 18th via Pandora
  11. If "right" also means "right," "left" should also mean "wrong," but that's wrong - which if you think about it, kinda works. 8:12 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone
  12. Sometimes people say to me, "Meredith," because that's my name. 8:08 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone
  13. If birds had a version of this app, I wonder if they'd call it "Talker." Probably not though, because birds are pretty dumb. 8:03 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone
  14. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there to hear it, does it merit a Tweet? #philosophy 7:57 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone
  15. If Social Media had been a thing when I was a teenager? Nobody would ever be able to run for office again. #VoteNudiePics 7:52 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone
  16. I'm listening mc chris is dead on Die Antwoord Radio on Pandora bit.ly/KlgcSz #pandora 3:08 PM May 17th via Pandora
  17. I don't know why more actors don't use the "I was preparing for a role" sexual harassment defense. 9:37 PM May 9th via Twitter for iPhone
  18. What is this nonsense about Travolta? You do realize he is just a giant penis, right? He can't help that. 9:35 PM May 9th via Twitter for iPhone