KnowShit
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OMG guys. I just learned that Shelly, the office slut, is my Secret Santa.
I hope she doesn't give me STDs again.
about 16 hours ago
from web
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It was 1am and I was drunk. How was I supposed to know the Ronald McDonald House doesn't serve Big Macs?
Sorry about kicking that door in.
about 19 hours ago
from web
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When my coworkers repeatedly advise me to run something 'up the flagpole', I regret not owning a flagpole to beat them with.
Repeatedly.
11:53 AM Dec 16th
from web
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I put the 'b' in 'dysfuncbtion'.
8:38 AM Dec 16th
from web
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have.
Well I've had it with the office laughing at my rodeo clown duds day after day.
12:28 PM Dec 15th
from web
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In the time it takes you to read this Jimmy John's will have made my sub, yelled my name & cursed me for taking my sweet time picking it up.
10:58 AM Dec 15th
from web
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It seems like everywhere you look there's some dumbass with a phone mindlessly texting.
My mirror confirms this.
11:53 AM Dec 14th
from txt
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Last week I would've told you my unconventional collating technique is perfectly safe but this nasty paper cut on my scrotum begs to differ.
10:21 AM Dec 14th
from web
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It disgusts my wife but I've invested far too much time on this festive display to turn back now. My pube wreath WILL go on the front door.
3:05 PM Dec 12th
from web
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Can you ladies recommend a good OB/GYN?
My last bowel movement was so big I think I may be suffering from postpartum depression.
12:11 PM Dec 12th
from web
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Your above-ground pool reeks of privilege & status.
9:19 AM Dec 12th
from txt
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My girls just created a 'magical fairy hideout' in my wife's closet.
I hope they can turn my closet into a 'mystical opium den'.
5:08 PM Dec 11th
from txt
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I don't know about you Baby Jesus, but I think the 3 Wise Men brought a little too much camel toe to your Nativity scene.
11:56 AM Dec 11th
from txt
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They say 'Don't shit where you sleep'.
Whatever. Times are tough.
3:29 PM Dec 10th
from txt
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I'm writing this tweet at a stoplight in a desperate attempt to avoid contact with a panhandler.
So far, so gMOTHERFUCKER.
11:20 AM Dec 10th
from txt
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My 3-day Twitter sabbatical is over. Someone puked on the couch, no one took out the trash and you're all insane.
It's great to be back.
9:06 AM Dec 10th
from web
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Why do homeless people have such horrible fashion sense?
It's like they don't even give a shit. It's tragic, really.
8:46 AM Dec 7th
from txt
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Whenever I'm drunk at the office and about to grope the ladies, I look to my 'What Would HR Do?' bracelet to guide me.
12:28 PM Dec 4th
from web
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Wednesday, the taint of the work week.
9:47 AM Dec 2nd
from web
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Every time you run a red light, stalking you becomes increasingly frustrating.
I wish you'd drive safely.
4:42 PM Dec 1st
from txt
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- Name KnowShit
- Location 28°33'N 81°23'W
- Bio Transcending breakfast. Daily.
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