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KeversMcMurray

  1. I just put cookies on a sandwich. Type 2 here I come! about 7 hours ago via web
  2. My family demanded that I do stand up for them. Needless to say, they did not laugh at my dick jokes. 11:46 PM May 26th via web
  3. It'd have been cool to have had a step-dad. Can you imagine how "not fat" I'd be had I had an adult that condoned trampolines growing up? 11:46 PM May 25th via web
  4. Golfing on a Friday morning...feel whiter than a kid at an Odd Future show. 8:16 AM May 25th via Twitter for iPhone
  5. I need to start saying "hanging out" when people ask what I'm doing, and not "gettin' giggy with it." Sounds too much like I'm masturbating. 12:15 AM May 25th via web
  6. I don't understand why they went with calling Magnums. Why didn't they go with Trojan Horse sized condoms to be clever? 12:12 PM May 24th via Twitter for iPhone
  7. Dead Presidentials by S'natra. Go listen to that. Real good. 10:39 PM May 23rd via web
  8. Someone who looks like me should never say "Kick in the door, wave in the four-four" on the L like I just did. 10:31 AM May 23rd via Twitter for iPhone
  9. I ate a box of Cheeze-Its for dinner and I'm writing a list of what makes white people so weird. I'll eventually live in a studio apartment. 12:47 AM May 23rd via Twitter for iPhone
  10. I'll tell you what is still on that bucket list though... "Poop in the White House." Make it happen, voters. 9:51 PM May 22nd via web
  11. Crossed another thing off my bucket list today. "Use the phrase 'Round Mound of Rebound' in an academic paper" is gone. 9:51 PM May 22nd via web
  12. Just bought @hannibalburess new stand up record. Highly recommend it. Hysterical. 2:10 PM May 22nd via web
  13. I'm glad Blockbuster instituted the one-day rental policy for all their films so I could stop asking, "When is Precious due...?" 12:22 AM May 22nd via Twitter for iPhone
  14. Seriously, you assholes better bring snacks to my intervention. 12:14 AM May 22nd via Twitter for iPhone
  15. @SaggieMommers Never been more proud of you. 10:08 PM May 21st via web in reply to SaggieMommers
  16. @SarahSquints You know it! 9:44 PM May 21st via web in reply to SarahSquints
  17. I'm going to write clean jokes now so that I can end up in feel good family based comedy films... Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks. 10:09 PM May 20th via web
  18. This is my updated résumé, because goddamn it, I'm no quitter. It's just as impressive as my current one. instagr.am/p/Kwcu3zzcbY/ 10:56 PM May 17th via Instagram
  19. Not wearing a shirt, eating a frozen pizza that cost $1.99 watching a documentary on rhinos/Rosie O'Donnell. I define food porn. 10:41 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone
  20. @Cameron_Collins You best not forget that we got some nuggets to eat when I get home. 10:25 PM May 17th via Twitter for iPhone