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JimGaffigan

  1. Bravo. Vote for @ToddGlass starting May 31st. say.ly/kTU3qu5
  2. I'm just glad i dont have to seek approval from strangers on the internet.
  3. Wait, it's GAIN weight for the summer, right. Not lose weight, right? #pleasebegainweightforthesummer.
  4. BREAKING: i've started to lie about who's opening for me at Foxwood Casino this Saturday! say.ly/OmL3qsM
  5. BREAKING: The @realDonaldTrump to open for me at Foxwoods Casino this Saturday Night! say.ly/nlo3qsE
  6. Daily Show writer&patriot @kevinbleyer has rewritten the Constitution. The least you could do is read it: amzn.to/K0wYsl
  7. I haven't been hungry for like a year.
  8. It’s not that I forgot your name, it’s just I thought you might have changed yours.
  9. Being a father is a lot like being the least powerful Vice President in history.
  10. When is it going to be the beautiful people’s turn? How about letting them be on the cover of a magazine or sing a pop song?
  11. @TCrabtree83 @mrdavehill For the crack you have to buy two of them. Also why don't you drop and give me ten push ups!
  12. My son is starting to walk. I guess that's impressive. After 11 months of lying around. He still doesn't speak English. Pathetic.
  13. Everyone should buy the new @mrdavehill book “Tasteful Nudes”. You don’t have to read it. Just buy it.