JezebelTheGreat
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@ The things I do for you people... (the crystal flower anus is my idea.)
7:27 AM May 21st
via TweetDeck
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I wish Lisa Frank did erotica illustrations. I'd read 50 Shades Of Gray if I knew there'd be a set of neon magenta unicorn balls on page 98.
6:37 AM May 21st
via web
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Ugh. Babies are dicks.
4:09 PM May 10th
via Mobile Web
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OH GOD SHE JUST BARFED IN MY FACE I HAVE BARF ON MY FACE WAIT WHY AM I STILL TYPING I'M STILL TYPING WHY AM I STILL TYP
3:55 PM May 10th
via web
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"HEY, LET'S REPLACE OUR FABRIC SOFTENER WITH GROUND WHALE BONE AND BROKEN DVDS! LOL!" ~every hotel, ever
7:43 AM Apr 15th
via Mobile Web
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My big accomplishment tonight has been discussing my boob tenderness with at least thirty people.
8:10 PM Apr 14th
via Mobile Web
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@ I've been playing mommy! Apparently taking care of a newborn sucks up all your time. and energy. and internet availability.
3:50 PM Apr 12th
via web
in reply to AMentalFracture
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DON'T WORRY, I'M TYPING WITH THE NO-PEE HAND.
11:56 AM Apr 12th
via web
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My kid just peed on my hand.
I wish I had a joke for that, but I don't.
I just have a hand.
With pee on it.
11:53 AM Apr 12th
via web
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@ AURORA BOREANAZ! (I've been waiting for a reason to say that.)
6:45 AM Mar 7th
via Twitter for Android
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Our baby just discovered our ceiling fan, so that pretty much takes care of my parenting for the next two years. I'm going to the bar.
11:49 AM Mar 5th
via Twitter for Android
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I wish I was famous so I could name my kids "Quasar BeeGee" and "Captain of Industry."
6:23 PM Feb 28th
via Twitter for Android
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Now I'm texting all of my family members with the word LOLFARTS. Just because I know it's there. You're welcome, Mom!
5:05 PM Feb 28th
via Twitter for Android
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I just typed "kild" instead of "killed" and my phone autocorrected it to "lolfarts." HOW DID IT KNOW.
5:00 PM Feb 28th
via Twitter for Android
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I wonder if itchy scalp shampoo would also work on, like, balls and stuff.
6:16 PM Feb 27th
via Twitter for Android
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I wish "queef" was actually plural for "coif" so I could use the term "old lady queef" freely when referring to power walkers at the mall.
10:29 AM Feb 8th
via Twitter for Android
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GO PORTLAND!
3:35 PM Feb 5th
via Twitter for Android
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Sometimes I wish I had a lisp because it would be an adorable quirk and plus I could spit on people like I do now but it'd be okay.
3:32 PM Feb 5th
via Twitter for Android
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@ She has all the poops. And SHE IS THE CUTEST THING EVER, OF COURSE.
3:29 PM Feb 5th
via Twitter for Android
in reply to KDallJaye
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It just occurred to me that "vulva," "labia" and "vagina" all sound like stars named after Latin philosophers.
1:37 PM Feb 3rd
via Twitter for Android
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- Name Jess
- Location Aurora, IL
- Web http://jezebelthe...
- Bio Retired dancer, aspiring author, new mom, all-around fucking badass. I make mischiefs and shenanigans (and babies!) with @GorillaSushi.
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