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JediMindPrick

  1. Mothers are always one question from ruining your day.
  2. Overheard a black guy asking the waitress for some crackers, so I stood up and yelled "THATS OUR WORD!"
  3. If your bathroom sink looks like mine, you're disgusting and I'm a hypocrite.
  4. "That's a wrap, everybody." -movie director identifying delicious food
  5. Impress an Asian chick by treating her as an equal.
  6. Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.
  7. When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.
  8. I like to bring bags of winter clothes into strip clubs and tell them to cover up. Then yell how they're embarrassing the family.
  9. volcano = glory hole for the Gods
  10. Does Axe make a spray that smells like one of those soft pretzel stores at the mall? I'd use that daily.
  11. We could power our entire office with the wind produced from my constant sighing.
  12. When I was a kid the swear jar at my house was always empty because my sister was a goddamn fucking thief.
  13. Obama could eat children alone under a bridge hunched over like Gollum in a thunder storm and he'd still be better than Bush.
  14. Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle… make a ham fort…
  15. Before twitter, celebrities used to sit dead for months and months completely unnoticed.
  16. I'm going to keep buying cats until one of them does something hilarious and makes me a YouTube millionaire.
  17. “No, don't get up” - how I greet people in wheelchairs.
  18. Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
  19. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and maybe Prince Charming just doesn't like whiny bitches?
  20. My spirit animal is a parasite that swims up your pee hole and plants an egg sac using its hook-like barbs.