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JackDonaghy

  1. That’s what I’m talking about. Human empathy, it’s as useless as the Winter Olympics… this February on NBC.
  2. The rule of threes is a myth. It doesn’t exist. Like going bald with dignity.
  3. You can’t let emotions distract you from making decisions about the slaves who built the pyramid which will one day be your tomb.
  4. Good god, your breath. When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?
  5. Would you be more likely to buy a microwave if it could be programmed to ask about your day? Before you answer, consider your loneliness.
  6. Let's hit the Meadowlands racetrack on the way home. I’ve got a betting system based on horse penis size.
  7. We can go to a Yankee game. I have great seats in the section between the players’ wives and the players’ mistresses.
  8. There’s nothing wrong with being fun and popular and just giving people what they want. Ladies and Gentlemen, Jay Leno.
  9. I’ll give you a New York Minute. That’s 7 seconds.
  10. Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the “Get ‘Er Done 2000.”
  11. The Kids' Choice Awards? Fine, I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symoné for one day, but she knows what she did.
  12. Nobody flies without medication anymore. Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?
  13. Women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married.
  14. As you may have read in Robert Parker's wine newsletter: "Donaghy Estates tastes like Satan's urine after a hefty portion of asparagus."
  15. Hey, check this out. I just made it up: The three B's: Beers, Boats and Buds. Doesn't that sound great?
  16. What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?
  17. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs? No? Good.
  18. Leo's an excellent physician and a pretty good dentist.
  19. The ugly duckling has turned into a vaguely ethnic swan.
  20. I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.