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IamEnidColeslaw

  1. If you see someone wearing a fanny pack, you have to shove them into the nearest body of water. The Constitution says so. 8 minutes ago via Twitter for Android
  2. "Come on! I'm not getting any older!" - Benjamin Button about 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android
  3. #FF "@DavidKlein5: Only serial killers buy honey that isn't in a bear shaped plastic bottle." about 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  4. A dinner party at my house entails eating out of shoe boxes and drinking from condoms. about 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  5. I don't care if Gene Hackman's cock is falling off. I would still fuck his brains out. about 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  6. A guy wearing a TapouT hoodie just held the door for me. I instinctively maced him then fled for my life. about 3 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  7. I love when people drive ten miles under the speed limit like WE'RE NOT INCHING TOWARD THE GRAVE WITH EACH PASSING MINUTE. about 5 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  8. Paid a call girl to come over and brush my hair. She should be here any minute. I will call her "Cheyenne." about 7 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  9. Why would I brush my teeth when I could eat a box of Junior Mints instead? about 8 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  10. Meet me at the pool - I'll be the one wearing the beekeeper suit about 10 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  11. Don't see "The Phantom Menace" high. Jar Jar Binks kills your buzz so quickly you're basically flushing your drugs down the toilet. about 11 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  12. Thought I lost my phone earlier today. I cried harder than I did the day my grandfather died. about 12 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  13. @robdelaney "Jack & Jill" didn't get a single Oscar nomination. How does this make you feel? about 12 hours ago via Twitter for Android in reply to robdelaney
  14. I will never get married because: A. My parents went through a terrible divorce and B. I have a lot of weird-looking moles about 13 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  15. My morals may be loose but my vagina is actually pretty loose too now that I'm getting a good look at it. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  16. All my friends hate me & my family left me at a flea market. RT @olivegarden Do you schedule weekly dinner dates with friends & family? about 22 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  17. The cool thing about chili is you could mix a whole bunch of dog food in it and your family would never know. 7:59 PM Feb 24th via Twitter for Android
  18. Got caught trying to weigh my tits on the produce scale at the grocery store. The man who escorted me out refused to take my number. 6:39 PM Feb 24th via Twitter for Android
  19. If Donald Trump is carrying a briefcase, rest assured there's nothing in it but his backup hair. 5:29 PM Feb 24th via Twitter for Android
  20. Can't believe I've spent 26 years of my life NOT eating crayons. 3:57 PM Feb 24th via Twitter for Android