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Horrorsc0pes

  1. #AQUARIUS: IT BRINGS DEATH! OH GOD IT'S HORRIBLE! THERE'S NO SAVING US NOW! NO HOPE! NO HOPE!
  2. #SAGITTARIUS: Like a robot, you wish to understand love. Unlike a robot, you can't bend steel with your bare hands and everyone hates you.
  3. #LEO: You pray for rain. Anything to stop them smiling all the time.
  4. #VIRGO: What a beautiful day! It makes you sick to the core.
  5. LIBRA: Dental records are needed to confirm your identity. Don't worry. You just have a balaclava glued to your face.
  6. #SCORPIO: Someone tweets an 'inspirational' quote today. The only thing you feel inspired to do, is kill them.
  7. #TAURUS: Having warmed them up for a few days, you turn the dial on your weather machine to 'BOIL THE OCEANS'
  8. #CANCER: As lovely as the weather is you will get very badly burnt this week, they don't mess around at those crematoriums.
  9. #CAPRICORN: You're late for work today because you think it's a Bank Holiday. It would be if wasn't for the stupid Queen.
  10. #GEMINI: Uranus.... is severely sunburned... *giggles with heatstroke*
  11. #PISCES: Word to your mother.
  12. #ARIES: Today is just another series of meaningless distractions before you die.
  13. ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK: Nul points.
  14. #VIRGO: Your psychological health is obliterated today, as Noel Edmond's beard seemingly leaps out of the screen & fucks you in the eyeballs
  15. #LEO: Well spit in my drink and call me Charlene, something good happens today! Oh, wait, wrong star sign. No, you die a horrific death.
  16. #SAGITTARIUS: Sorry, I overslept. Is it too late to warn you about that car two hours ago? Sorry, you'll recover eventually. Mostly.
  17. #PISCES: You mistakenly think that the Scottish 'Yes' campaign is an attempt to get them to stop saying 'aye'.
  18. #AQUARIUS: You get up, go to work, come home, TV, sleep, go to work.. £25k in student fees, now this is your meaningless existence. Enjoy.
  19. #ARIES: The unhappiness you feel will never end.
  20. #LIBRA: You are a hollow, empty vessel with nothing to live for and no one who loves you.