Get short, timely messages from Rupert Lee Swayze.

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gottawannaneeda

  1. Been bullshitting around with two married broads. Karma has a fucked up way of paying if forward.
  2. Don't fret, followers. I'm still here. Just been fucking a lot.
  3. It's the one-year anniversary of this Twitter account. To summarize 2011: Lots of beer, lots of fucked up roomies, and lots of groping.
  4. Pulled my ass muscle at dodgeball. It's going to be hard to do any pelvic-thrusts for a while.
  5. Regarding the last two months: Fuck Walmart, got groovy at a wedding, the NCAA can suck my balls, threw away Strawberry Shortcake Rolls.
  6. One of my good childhood buddies is dating a tall female bodybuilder. This portrait of them grosses me the fuck out: veryaware.com/wp-content/upl…
  7. About to donkey punch these loud fucks at my local @Starbucks. The next kiddo who runs by me gets relentlessly tripped.
  8. Update: Have a new live-in guest, who's a dirty fuck face with a furry bush. Come on over and I'll show you my pubic-covered bathroom floor.
  9. Korean terrorist roommate is moving next weekend, but his Kimchi scent will linger for eternity in my fridge. #GoneButNotForgotten
  10. The Cleveland Cavaliers just erected me.
  11. No joke, Xbox Live gave me the gamertag suggestion "MuzzledRug" tonight. They know their audience.
  12. Made it rain green at the bar last night. #100dollartip #SaintPatrick
  13. I'm marinating the prime rib, ladies.
  14. I hope this new smell in my townhouse is just my new roommates food and not his nut musk.
  15. Gave my new terrorist roommate a key to the pad tonight. If I suddenly stop tweeting, don't fret—I'm dead and in a better place.
  16. My bitch roommate moved out over the weekend. No more hacking it up, cranking the heat, smelly dinners, or nasty morning squirts.
  17. @lawpower Yo guy, quit @-replying me every time you stuff greasy garbage down your pie hole.
  18. I expect a lot of folks will be doing the mattress mambo tonight. #VDay
  19. Got stood up for the first time in my life last night by a Quasimodo look-alike. I'd never sexed a hunchback before. Still on my to-do list.
  20. The #LastTimeTheCavsWon Dan Gilbert (@cavsdan) wasn't shitting his pants and could still get it up. Seems like an eternity.