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Canada
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United Kingdom
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Indonesia
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Ireland
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India
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Jordan
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New Zealand
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United States
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GSouder

  1. Economic conversations have exactly the same effect on me as Ambian.
  2. People that live in plexiglass houses can throw all the stones they want.
  3. My wife just admitted to my mom that she couldn't pick my wiener out of a cock line up.
  4. If the Mayan's really wanted to make a shocking 2012 prediction they should have picked the cubs to win the series.
  5. So far this Pink Floyd show has consisted of a horrible subway sandwich and surreal amounts of traffic.
  6. Women will win the vast majority of domestic arguments out of sheer intellectual endurance.
  7. I wish Twitter would install a bomb explosion sound for extra satisfaction when I hit the block button.
  8. I'm vegan because I never want someone else's meat in my mouth.
  9. Yes, Betty White, we get it. You're old. Find some new material.
  10. Homeless guy: "that is one nice hat, my man!" Me: "thanks! I like it too!" Homeless guy: "I'm just kidding."
  11. No joke, my cab drivers name is Karpett Munchier.
  12. If I have to say "excuse me" I'm roughly 40 seconds away from yelling "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" while beating you with a newspaper.
  13. An overweight diabetic with high blood pressure just told me how unhealthy my vegan diet is.
  14. As far as I'm concerned, nipples aren't useless on anything.
  15. I don't appreciate my nose's lack of respect for the female form.
  16. It's impossible to order a "grande" coffee and not feel like a douche for saying the word "grande".
  17. I can't wait to get home so I can take a shower with more water pressure than a garden gnome with prostate cancer.
  18. The only difference between a hooker and a hooch is that one will sleep with you for free.
  19. A 45 year old well educated woman just asked me if the only difference between a hurricane and a tornado is rain.
  20. Based on how often I make things up in conversation I have to assume everyone else is full of shit.