FriedWords
-
The family's asleep. I finally have the hotel room to myself. Time to practice my supermodel runway walk.
about 13 hours ago
from Birdhouse
-
I was bummed the creepy uncle didn't show. Then I logged on to Twitter & realized I've got all you creepy bastards. Happy Thanksgiving guys!
9:38 AM Nov 26th
from Birdhouse
-
Sorry, but if you hold a tasty pie near my mouth, I can't be responsible for what happens to your hands. Here, use my belt as a tourniquet.
4:03 PM Nov 25th
from Birdhouse
-
On a road trip with my family & we've stopped to rest somewhere in Kentucky. I'm nervous cuz I hear dueling banjos & I have a pretty mouth.
7:53 PM Nov 24th
from Birdhouse
-
Son was thrilled to get his first love note today.
"That's nice. But once she realizes you're not a vampire or werewolf you're screwed."
4:05 PM Nov 23rd
from Birdhouse
-
It sucks when you realize someone you totally admire has just 'unfollowed' you.
P.S. If my dad 'follows' you, please retweet this.
11:56 PM Nov 22nd
from Birdhouse
-
"It ain't over till it's over," said the burrito...
BRB
8:41 PM Nov 22nd
from Birdhouse
-
I'd enjoy these walks with my wife more if this collar didn't choke me everytime she yanks on the leash.
10:27 AM Nov 22nd
from Birdhouse
-
@ Hey, noticed you cut 'Fried' out of your diet. I get it. Must be a 'runner' thing. *wipes tear away with a donut*
9:10 AM Nov 22nd
from Twittelator
in reply to CranberryPerson
-
Vampires? Pfft... To me the scariest movie about beings who suck the life out of you was 'Parenthood'.
9:49 AM Nov 21st
from Birdhouse
-
Considering we're all born sticky & naked, this unitard I made out of grape jelly is really quite natural... Here, hold this peanut butter.
6:09 PM Nov 20th
from Birdhouse
-
Strike while the iron is hot. And if the kid still misbehaves, use the ironing board.
9:33 PM Nov 19th
from Birdhouse
-
Spoke to college ad students yesterday. Went well, till I asked for volunteers for my sex sells demonstration. Guess I should've worn pants.
6:38 PM Nov 19th
from Birdhouse
-
The more dumb things my 8 yr old does the more I realize that, if he was the fastest, I must have some pretty damn slow sperm.
5:26 PM Nov 17th
from Birdhouse
-
I used to think Cookie Monster was autistic, till I saw the word 'cookies' listed as slang for crystal meth.
11:42 AM Nov 17th
from Birdhouse
-
Sorry, lady. But if you didn't wanna play crash car derby then you shouldn't have bumped my cart with your rascal...CLEAN UP IN AISLE FOUR!
7:04 PM Nov 16th
from Birdhouse
-
I am the Dr. Kevorkian of sandwiches.
9:35 AM Nov 16th
from Birdhouse
-
They say faith can move mountains, so I brought a Bible to read on the toilet.
7:17 AM Nov 16th
from Birdhouse
-
For the record, wrapping toilet paper around your body does not make for an effective hazmat suit...& kids are filthy, nasty, dirty animals.
7:03 PM Nov 15th
from Birdhouse
-
My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.
6:24 PM Nov 14th
from Birdhouse
|
- Name Derek
- Location Detroit's backyard
- Web http://favstar.fm...
- Bio I write because they won't let me play with the scissors anymore.
|
