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FartSandwich

  1. If your ego gets too big, go to the drug store and buy some laxatives and condoms. That way, the cashier pictures you, uh, coming and going. about 11 hours ago from TwitterBerry
  2. Native Americans used to make lovely "dreamcatchers." Modern Americans have "wet dreamcatchers," just next to the bed, also called tissues. 12:54 PM Nov 23rd from Echofon
  3. @sumninjashit @chanthana Man, seriously. We might also find all the albums by Kid 'N Play. 9:02 AM Nov 23rd from web in reply to sumninjashit
  4. I saw a woman using a Walkman today. With a cassette tape. Then I asked about what else she had in her magical time capsule. 7:01 AM Nov 23rd from TwitterBerry
  5. You call it "lactose intolerance." I call it "Chronic Fartigue Syndrome." 1:11 PM Nov 22nd from TwitterBerry
  6. Today, you will blow your nose. ...And that's why they call me Nostrildamus! 11:02 AM Nov 22nd from web
  7. I don't inflict pain. I inflict pleasure. 8:41 PM Nov 21st from TwitterBerry
  8. After a long day of shopping at a mall, I bought exactly one thing: A woman's shirt. And it was for me. I'm sober, too. FML 3:24 PM Nov 21st from TwitterBerry
  9. In Chicago, "snow" is a four letter word. So is "shit," "fuck," "cock," and "jizz." 10:46 AM Nov 21st from TwitterBerry
  10. You might call it a cubicle wall, but we here at the office like to refer to them as "fartitions." 10:20 AM Nov 20th from Echofon
  11. If any of your coworkers ever asks, "What does this smell like?" immediately turn around, punch them in the dong, and cry. Good times. 8:13 AM Nov 20th from Echofon
  12. Note to self: When drinking with alpha-male republican boss, remember to make up more stories about strippers. Instant raise. 7:58 AM Nov 19th from Echofon
  13. Bejeweled is crack...for white people. 2:53 PM Nov 18th from Echofon
  14. We're doing company pictures today. I'm going to request mine as a full body nude of me, crying. Just like every day. 8:48 AM Nov 18th from Echofon
  15. If today were opposite day, I wouldn't be drunk, I'd have pants on, and I wouldn't be in the back of a cop car. That's a huge "if," though. 6:49 AM Nov 18th from TwitterBerry
  16. No, but seriously, I did see @little_chilli and she was as awesome and lovely as I remember. And now I smell like barbecue sauce. 8:36 PM Nov 17th from web
  17. I ate a huge dinner with @little_chilli and Sparrow. I actually exist in real life! Sort of. It's hard to eat ribs when you're a penguin. 8:31 PM Nov 17th from web
  18. I just poked myself on Facebook. It wasn't as fun as poking your mother last night, twice. Just kidding. It was three times. 3:25 PM Nov 17th from Echofon
  19. I just drew a face on a pickle, gave it lollipop arms and a Tootsie Roll weiner, and yes I'm a salaried employee, why do you ask? 12:05 PM Nov 17th from Echofon
  20. Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is shouting. 11:30 AM Nov 16th from web