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Canada
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United Kingdom
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Indonesia
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Ireland
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India
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United States
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FartSandwich

  1. I'm going to celebrate my cultural heritage today! That's right. I'm going to see Mexican wrestling. PS - I'm not Mexican. about 21 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  2. I wonder why chunky mayo never really took off. 10:29 AM May 23rd via web
  3. "People should randomly say other people's names at the end of famous quotes to cause mass confusion. Charles Barkley." - Fart Sandwich 9:49 PM May 21st via Twitter for Android
  4. Most of the office is working from home today, so I'm playing "Who's Actually Wearing Pants" while on the company phone call this morning. 8:58 AM May 21st via web
  5. A Man Who Looks Like a Lesbian Who Also Resembles a Man: The Bruce Jenner Story. 8:38 AM May 17th via web
  6. I don't want to be at work today. I'd rather be home, sitting on the balcony, drinking a tall cold glass of ranch dressing. 9:14 AM May 16th via web
  7. "Oh my God, I've gained X pounds!" -Every single person returning from vacation. 8:30 AM May 16th via web
  8. @Downham76 @SteveHester4207 @Jayso4201 @bbundy420 @matthewcarson83 @Pacers NOPE! Not me! 8:58 PM May 15th via Twitter for Android in reply to Downham76
  9. Everyone talks about dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool, but nobody ever talks about the part where they give them up for adoption. 6:57 AM May 14th via Twitter for Android
  10. Little kids want to become adults. Adults want to become little kids again. Little kids are retarded. 2:53 PM May 13th via Twitter for Android
  11. They say you can't polish a turd, but in Kim Kardashian's case, you can definitely give one a reality TV show. 12:24 PM May 12th via web
  12. Some people have shakes for breakfast. I have THE shakes for breakfast. 2:20 PM May 11th via web
  13. I like to think of nipples as "milk spigots." 12:00 PM May 10th via web
  14. Can you bunt in tee ball? Because if the answer is yes, I'm going to singlehandedly destroy this whole team of five year old kids. 2:25 PM May 9th via web
  15. I'm going to shove my [BLANK] into your [BLANK], you [BLANK]. - Every sentence by me, today. 8:01 AM May 9th via web
  16. I swear I'm not racist. I have a gay friend! 3:44 PM May 5th via Twitter for Android
  17. My personal office motto: You'll never know until you get fired! 8:59 AM May 4th via web
  18. I think it's weird that men buy their wives Mother's Day cards, because if you're married to your mom, you probably have bigger problems. 6:45 PM May 3rd via web
  19. If you're having a terrible day, say the word "buttholes" after everything. Grandma died. Buttholes. I got fired. Buttholes. See? Buttholes. 12:20 PM May 3rd via web
  20. I love seeing bums with cell phones because they must make talking to nobody so much easier! 6:53 AM May 1st via Twitter for Android