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FartSandwich

  1. If your ego gets too big, go to the drug store and buy some laxatives and condoms. That way, the cashier pictures you, uh, coming and going.
  2. Native Americans used to make lovely "dreamcatchers." Modern Americans have "wet dreamcatchers," just next to the bed, also called tissues.
  3. @sumninjashit @chanthana Man, seriously. We might also find all the albums by Kid 'N Play.
  4. I saw a woman using a Walkman today. With a cassette tape. Then I asked about what else she had in her magical time capsule.
  5. You call it "lactose intolerance." I call it "Chronic Fartigue Syndrome."
  6. Today, you will blow your nose. ...And that's why they call me Nostrildamus!
  7. I don't inflict pain. I inflict pleasure.
  8. After a long day of shopping at a mall, I bought exactly one thing: A woman's shirt. And it was for me. I'm sober, too. FML
  9. In Chicago, "snow" is a four letter word. So is "shit," "fuck," "cock," and "jizz."
  10. You might call it a cubicle wall, but we here at the office like to refer to them as "fartitions."
  11. If any of your coworkers ever asks, "What does this smell like?" immediately turn around, punch them in the dong, and cry. Good times.
  12. Note to self: When drinking with alpha-male republican boss, remember to make up more stories about strippers. Instant raise.
  13. Bejeweled is crack...for white people.
  14. We're doing company pictures today. I'm going to request mine as a full body nude of me, crying. Just like every day.
  15. If today were opposite day, I wouldn't be drunk, I'd have pants on, and I wouldn't be in the back of a cop car. That's a huge "if," though.
  16. No, but seriously, I did see @little_chilli and she was as awesome and lovely as I remember. And now I smell like barbecue sauce.
  17. I ate a huge dinner with @little_chilli and Sparrow. I actually exist in real life! Sort of. It's hard to eat ribs when you're a penguin.
  18. I just poked myself on Facebook. It wasn't as fun as poking your mother last night, twice. Just kidding. It was three times.
  19. I just drew a face on a pickle, gave it lollipop arms and a Tootsie Roll weiner, and yes I'm a salaried employee, why do you ask?
  20. Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is shouting.