FartSandwich
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I'm going to celebrate my cultural heritage today! That's right. I'm going to see Mexican wrestling. PS - I'm not Mexican.
about 21 hours ago
via Twitter for Android
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I wonder why chunky mayo never really took off.
10:29 AM May 23rd
via web
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"People should randomly say other people's names at the end of famous quotes to cause mass confusion. Charles Barkley." - Fart Sandwich
9:49 PM May 21st
via Twitter for Android
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Most of the office is working from home today, so I'm playing "Who's Actually Wearing Pants" while on the company phone call this morning.
8:58 AM May 21st
via web
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A Man Who Looks Like a Lesbian Who Also Resembles a Man: The Bruce Jenner Story.
8:38 AM May 17th
via web
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I don't want to be at work today. I'd rather be home, sitting on the balcony, drinking a tall cold glass of ranch dressing.
9:14 AM May 16th
via web
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"Oh my God, I've gained X pounds!" -Every single person returning from vacation.
8:30 AM May 16th
via web
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@ @ @ @ @ @ NOPE! Not me!
8:58 PM May 15th
via Twitter for Android
in reply to Downham76
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Everyone talks about dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool, but nobody ever talks about the part where they give them up for adoption.
6:57 AM May 14th
via Twitter for Android
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Little kids want to become adults. Adults want to become little kids again. Little kids are retarded.
2:53 PM May 13th
via Twitter for Android
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They say you can't polish a turd, but in Kim Kardashian's case, you can definitely give one a reality TV show.
12:24 PM May 12th
via web
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Some people have shakes for breakfast. I have THE shakes for breakfast.
2:20 PM May 11th
via web
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I like to think of nipples as "milk spigots."
12:00 PM May 10th
via web
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Can you bunt in tee ball? Because if the answer is yes, I'm going to singlehandedly destroy this whole team of five year old kids.
2:25 PM May 9th
via web
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I'm going to shove my [BLANK] into your [BLANK], you [BLANK]. - Every sentence by me, today.
8:01 AM May 9th
via web
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I swear I'm not racist. I have a gay friend!
3:44 PM May 5th
via Twitter for Android
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My personal office motto: You'll never know until you get fired!
8:59 AM May 4th
via web
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I think it's weird that men buy their wives Mother's Day cards, because if you're married to your mom, you probably have bigger problems.
6:45 PM May 3rd
via web
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If you're having a terrible day, say the word "buttholes" after everything. Grandma died. Buttholes. I got fired. Buttholes. See? Buttholes.
12:20 PM May 3rd
via web
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I love seeing bums with cell phones because they must make talking to nobody so much easier!
6:53 AM May 1st
via Twitter for Android
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- Name Fart Sandwich
- Location Chicago, IL, USA, The World
- Web http://www.cookbi...
- Bio More taste, less filling.
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