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FakePressSec

  1. President will host world leaders next week for a nuclear summit and to give the G-20 NCAA bracket winner Angela Merkel her winnings.
  2. President Obama will be reading the Nuclear Posture Review to a class of third graders in Martinsburg, West Virginia tomorrow.
  3. Except for VP Biden getting a little too excited at one point and injuring 5 kids, the Easter Egg Roll was a great event today.
  4. Record crowd came out to hear what Obama's next major initiative is, but we only had a health care speech prepared. Crowd groaned.
  5. Obama speaking in Iowa City about health care reform. POTUS was halfway to Iowa before we realized we'd already passed the reform. Too late!
  6. President Obama is very close to signing a new arms treaty with Russia. After that, he'll sign a new arms treaty with Putin.
  7. Great ceremony, but signing of health bill was delayed a bit because Israeli PM Netanyahu's staff had taken over East Room without asking us
  8. Doing a photo shoot in my office for Forehead Magazine. Going to be on the cover of the May issue. Look for it.
  9. President invited Rep. Boehner to the White House for the important matter of doing the jerk-off motion at him and laughing.
  10. "What we accomplished tonight was not about me, it was for America," POTUS said. "Now watch me shotgun this beer."
  11. President has told staff to go ahead and get drunk and make bad decisions tonight to celebrate the vote and to test out the new system.
  12. You know, it's kind of funny: I don't even really like health care. But is Gibbs going to say no to a bangin' post-vote party?
  13. But seriously, folks, health care.
  14. So, health care reform. I'm going to make a major announcement here and say we'd like it to happen. I'm by the phone to answer questions.
  15. Executive branch has totally forgotten to carry out the decisions of the Supreme Court today. WHOOPS. SORRY, CHIEF.
  16. POTUS met today with PM of Greece Papandreou. Both sides reaffirmed their commitment in the fights against terror and the Achaemenid Empire.
  17. Women's suffrage is up for renewal next month. POTUS looks forward to signing the 10-year extension.
  18. POTUS today became the first black president to get a papercut in the Oval Office.
  19. Michelle Obama update: First Lady apologizes for punching that obese child. She's working hard on this issue and got a little carried away.
  20. Judd Gregg situation update: Did show up here drunk saying he's "Commercing Secretary" & exposed himself. Did not try to eat his BlackBerry.