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FakeAPStylebook

  1. Only use the word "proactive" if it will dynamically impact your synergistic throughput paradigm.
  2. drag race - a competition in which drivers dress up their cars in pink and lace to see which is the prettiest.
  3. Advice columns should avoid the following phrases: "justifiable homicide," "purifying flame," "just cut it off."
  4. All composition titles are to be denoted with quotation marks instead of italics because this is still 1955, apparently.
  5. The British spelling of "color" is "Blimey, color, I say! What ho!"
  6. A "carpool" is a pact in which the last living car collects all member's insurance policies.
  7. @Athenrein: Yes, but for simplicity's sake, you may shorten "Unemployed-American" to "American."
  8. @saxopwned Put the figure of speech "coming out" in quotation marks unless it's quotation marks the person is coming out of.
  9. Lap top: where Candi charges you $50 to do a dance. Laptop: where you can see the same thing for free.
  10. Go ahead and use "shit" in your articles. Anyone really still offended by it can go back to Happy Candy Bear Island.
  11. In high school sports stories, do your best to play up star players' big-league chances so their failures are more tragic.
  12. If an editor draws a little dick on your manuscript, it's probably not a correction. It's more likely he just likes drawing little dicks.
  13. @Afolox We would never use anything relating to "sobriety" or "soberness."
  14. @DouggyFresh619 Always cite your mom: "Name. Personal interview. Date." Don't include the location or circumstances of the interview.
  15. Depending on the situation, sometimes you will want a conjunction, and sometimes you'll just want to cuddle.
  16. "The Batman" and "the Doctor" on first reference, "jeeze, that would be an awesome team-up" subsequently.
  17. In stories about county fairs, use lots of color: "vomit-tinged," "puke-soaked," "spew-sprinkled."
  18. Any headline using the construction "putting the (thing) in (full thing)" should put the trash in trash can.
  19. Gelt/Guilt - Gelt is an awful-tasting chocolate candy coin. Guilt is a Jewish mother's super power.
  20. The candles in a menorah are called Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Leviticus.