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DrTwittenheimer

  1. Nuclear families have the nastiest fall-outs. Often over the use of terrible puns. 1:03 PM May 25th via TweetDeck
  2. Leviticus 11: 7-8 forbids bacon. If you enjoy bacon, SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT THE BIBLE PROHIBITS. 1:01 PM May 25th via TweetDeck
  3. "I think it'd be quite pleasurable if we engaged in sexual intercourse"? Ha! That's what she said! 9:31 AM May 25th via TweetDeck
  4. @btemps No worries. And I can relate. 8:55 AM May 24th via TweetDeck in reply to btemps
  5. It can't be a coincidence that the one thing every survival show host brings with them into the wilderness is a camera crew. 8:49 AM May 24th via TweetDeck
  6. Releasing nitrous oxide into a colleague's office may sound like a mean prank, but he seemed to find it pretty funny. 8:01 AM May 24th via TweetDeck
  7. I have very good hand-eye coordination but, at best, only average foot-nose coordination. 8:00 AM May 24th via TweetDeck
  8. The "breakfast of champions" is whatever they eat before they go and practice all day. 6:08 AM May 24th via web
  9. I know it's unwise to put all my eggs in one basket, which is why I have invested all my savings in a large collection of baskets. 1:01 PM May 23rd via TweetDeck
  10. Saying that something is "not half bad" sounds too negative. Can't we say that it's "slightly more than half good"? 3:35 PM May 22nd via TweetDeck
  11. "I put my pants on one leg at a time." - Centipede who takes a really long time to get dressed 6:55 AM May 21st via TweetDeck
  12. Facebook made $16 billion? Those Dinklebutt twins must be rolling in their graves. 6:54 AM May 21st via TweetDeck
  13. Don't worry, that hideous creature in the mirror is just as scared of you as you are of it. 5:22 PM May 19th via TweetDeck
  14. Looks like the movies Battleship and Twister are about equally true to the games of the same names. 3:20 PM May 19th via TweetDeck
  15. Apparently taxi drivers don't appreciate hearing funny stories while they're driving and also they don't understand the barter system. 2:22 PM May 19th via TweetDeck
  16. @LordManley You hang around with strange women, my good sir. 6:41 AM May 18th via TweetDeck in reply to LordManley
  17. I just realized, there's no U in TEAM either. 4:23 PM May 17th via TweetDeck
  18. I wasn't sure whether to get him some cologne (fun gift) or mosquito attractants for his bug traps (practical gift), so I just mixed them. 8:43 AM May 17th via TweetDeck
  19. You don't really need to pop up with the warning. I can tell from all the blinking text and huge fonts that this website is insecure. 8:39 AM May 17th via TweetDeck
  20. Dear girls of Facebook: NO ONE CARES WHAT KIND OF PHONE OR MIRROR YOU HAVE! 4:30 AM May 17th via web
  • Name Dr. Twittenheimer
  • Location Laboratorium
  • Web http://favstar.fm...
  • Bio I'm not a comedic genius. I'm just a regular genius who writes brilliant jokes. Check out my new website and book! http://www.drtwittenheimer.com/
383 Following 5,779 Followers 512 Listed
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