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DeathandTexas

  1. I'm sweating caffeine. Who wants to fuck? about 2 hours ago via web
  2. Wxhfmsjxidndjcjdjsjcnd @NHLDevils about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
  3. @SuckDeezTweetzz @scottyquigsmmm Burger beer kegs are just plastic bags about 13 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to SuckDeezTweetzz
  4. @ScottyQuigsMMM @suckdeeztweetzz He didn't ask for a case, Scott. He asked for one. Send the fucking can. about 14 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to ScottyQuigsMMM
  5. Okay, so my tuxedo has "sex machine" airbrushed on the back. So what? 5:21 PM May 24th via Twitter for iPhone
  6. If you guys are going to make fun of my airbrushed tuxedo, I'm not coming to any of your charity dinners anymore. 5:20 PM May 24th via Twitter for iPhone
  7. I know my Mom wants grandkids and everything, but I just bought a Roomba, so she should count her blessings. 10:35 AM May 24th via web
  8. Wait, is Bizarro gay? 1:35 AM May 24th via Twitter for iPhone
  9. I'm pretty sure sunscreen is made from Robert Smith's semen. Don't ask me to prove it, man. I just know. 9:08 PM May 23rd via web
  10. If I have to hear about my Grandpa's stupid ska band one more time, I'm putting him in a home. 8:05 PM May 23rd via web
  11. @emilydawnlove I dunno, get a job that pays you to watch hockey or someth--ah fuck. Nevermind. You win. 7:51 PM May 23rd via web in reply to emilydawnlove
  12. @emilydawnlove Prove it. 7:47 PM May 23rd via web in reply to emilydawnlove
  13. Alright, I get it. Zach Parise may go to New York next year. Fresh take, guys. 7:42 PM May 23rd via web
  14. I hope when I die you guys don't remember all the horrible things I wrote on the internet. (btw I bought my own tombstone today!) 12:56 PM May 23rd via web
  15. Got sent home for wearing my "No Fat Chicks" shirt to work. Sometimes I hate being a congressman. 12:07 PM May 23rd via web
  16. I swear to God I just heard Mitt Romney mutter "Hail HYDRA" under his breath. 8:59 AM May 23rd via web
  17. @joeovies Original defense. Do you work in talk radio? 7:49 AM May 23rd via Twitter for iPhone in reply to joeovies
  18. I'll post this every year on his birthday until one of us dies. youtube.com/watch?v=ncFk-v… 3:44 PM May 22nd via web