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Dave_Horwitz

  1. Tiny milkshake was a good idea.
  2. Moonrise Kingdom's going to be so good, right? Or bad? Is it bad? Could be good? Just tell me what to think! I just want you to like me!
  3. Do religious feminists hate saying Amen? (I actually want to know, so if you don't like this as a joke consider it a question)
  4. I like to think that Gallagher looked at his fruit smashing career, said "time for a change," and consciously chose to be racist and insane.
  5. "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get younger, they stay the same age." -Benjamin Button McConaughey
  6. Me Watching Movie Trailer: I don't know if I'm supposed to think this guy is cool. Trailer: [dubstep] Me: OHHH yeah, he's cool all right!!
  7. Man, we all get bummed out at that part of that Wilco song where Tweeds says, "she begs me not to hit her," don't we, white people?
  8. How do you invoke The Secret? I could probably Google it, but I'm pretty sure it involves sacrificing a lamb, so I'll just do that.
  9. The acoustic ballads my neighbor is BELTING out in Spanish are just the thing I need to help me never sleep again.
  10. The next mid-late 90s movie I watch will be determined by the size of the cellphones featured in it. I'm looking for cartoonishly large.
  11. Oh, you're having a good Monday? Well, the guy who played Gunther on Friends has more money than you ever will. Sorry!
  12. All my Facebook friends are people I've seen in documentaries. If they didn't want to be pals, they wouldn't use their full names!
  13. Congrats to everyone who intentionally stared at the sun today. Your eyes may hate you, but your Instagram followers "like" you.
  14. Bob's Burgers is so good. It's so good I can't even think of an articulate thing to say about it. Just everyone watch it forever.
  15. A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? BEING YOURSELF!
  16. Too many unimaginative bachelorette parties are being planned around Magic Mike screenings right now.
  17. How desperate do you have to be to be green on Gchat? It's like we get it, you're there.
  18. The only reason there hasn't been a reality tv show about a company that makes reality tv shows is because it would open a wormhole.