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danecook

  1. I feel my parents energy around me. They’re telling me to stop waiting for some ones/things that are not mine. Moving on. #change #forward about 5 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS
  2. My tasty new business cards. @ Vagina instagr.am/p/LCU4_VAAgI/ about 9 hours ago via Instagram
  3. When a girl says "umm" starting a sentence I always think she's using an acronym for a story about the University of Maine at Machias. about 13 hours ago via web
  4. “@coolguyericc: Just saw fuckin @danecook live!! That was the funniest shit I've ever seen” - thx man that crowd was killer. 12:50 AM May 24th via Tweetbot for iOS
  5. Every network television producer in every pitch meeting now: "We need a chair that turns around." 10:41 PM May 23rd via Tweetbot for iOS
  6. I'm recording an audio book of what I yell in frustration when writing my actual book. This will be available exclusively at hot dog stands. 7:44 PM May 23rd via web
  7. Good news just now. I may be wearing a disguise real soon. No -- it's not the Return of the Waffler ;) but it's bad ass. #gymbound 6:52 PM May 23rd via Tweetbot for iOS
  8. I'm at Cannes but lost my identification & credentials. Can somebody meet me by the crêpe place near the umbrella next to the scooter? 6:32 PM May 23rd via Tweetbot for iOS
  9. .@MisterWarr said: "You sound unstable. I'm a fan & critic." - In that case a big thank u & I'll rip your spine out and use it as a cane. 5:39 PM May 23rd via Tweetbot for iOS
  10. Summer's almost here which means it's time to break up with the person you're with & get that summer bod ready for some strange. 5:14 PM May 23rd via web
  11. Just posted a photo instagr.am/p/K-_ZBDAAqE/ 2:27 PM May 23rd via Instagram
  12. It's uncomfortable talking about sex in front of your parents. I'd rather just show them. 12:44 PM May 23rd via web
  13. I would not have the opportunities I've had in this life without caring, dedicated teachers. I thank them all. 10:46 AM May 23rd via Tweetbot for iOS
  14. I'll choose a swift "fuck off" over a phony "come on in" anytime. 7:06 PM May 22nd via web
  15. In time the truth will be revealed but keep in mind new lies will be generating simultaneously. 7:01 PM May 22nd via web
  16. I am romantic. Like right now my finger smells like her & it makes me want to dance the watusi on a barn roof during a hail storm. 2:25 PM May 22nd via web
  17. It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments & feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar. 1:48 PM May 22nd via Tweetbot for iOS
  18. You've got to create a safe & secure work environment if you want an accident to be properly described as "horribly unexpected." 11:37 AM May 22nd via web
  19. I suffer from social anxiety but only when I'm alone. 8:20 PM May 21st via web
  20. Why is this the most incredible bball shot I've ever made? Because I got it in the basket behind me. I'm that good. twitter.com/danecook/statu… 7:25 PM May 21st via web