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CrackedMeUp

  1. ... - rafitorres 8:52 AM Oct 5th, 2008 from web
  2. Know in films when you shut the medicine cabinet and the killer's in the mirror behind you? Did this to my wife. Don't do this to your wife. 8:52 AM Oct 5th, 2008 from web
  3. ... - badbanana 8:52 AM Oct 4th, 2008 from web
  4. My retirement plan now involves me putting spikes on shoulder pads and learning how to fire a gun from the back of a moving pickup truck. 8:50 AM Oct 4th, 2008 from web
  5. My coworkers are intrepid cartographers, bravely mapping the border between Asperger's and asshole. - @cleversimon 8:50 AM Oct 3rd, 2008 from web
  6. Don't be deceived by John McCain. Just because he's been signaling for the last few miles, doesn't mean he's going to turn. - @mogrify 8:50 AM Oct 2nd, 2008 from web
  7. ... - shoesonwrong 8:48 AM Oct 1st, 2008 from web
  8. It's a good thing fudgesicles taste so good because they've got a lot of ground to cover to make up for looking like a turd on a stick. 8:48 AM Oct 1st, 2008 from web
  9. ... - hoosiergirl 8:46 AM Sep 30th, 2008 from web
  10. Every so often my husband really pisses me off - in fact, I did the math & it turns out he's quite annoying approximately every 28 days. 8:46 AM Sep 30th, 2008 from web
  11. Aww, someone called my smile a rainbow in hell. Hoping "hell" refers to the seedy joint we're at and not the rest of my face. - @delfie 8:46 AM Sep 29th, 2008 from web
  12. New law: mandatory, reversible vasectomies at birth. "Going fertile" later requires two adult signatures and fifty bucks. - @Remiel 8:50 AM Sep 28th, 2008 from web
  13. Gotta give originality points to the joker who wrote "also available in green" on the dirt of my unwashed GREEN car. - @rafitorres 8:50 AM Sep 27th, 2008 from web
  14. How long in an airport bookstore before you lose hope for humanity?... Give up? It's 6 minutes. - @johnmoe 8:48 AM Sep 26th, 2008 from web
  15. Of all the hardcore porn actors back in the 30's, Basil Rathbone totally had the coolest name. - @FarkerPeaceboy 8:48 AM Sep 25th, 2008 from web
  16. Back-handed Optimism of the Day: The server at work runs a lot faster since most of my coworkers were laid off. - @ckwinny 8:48 AM Sep 24th, 2008 from web
  17. Just found out my 401k has been reduced to three cans of tuna and a packet of ketchup. So, I've got that to look forward to. - @awryone 6:48 AM Sep 23rd, 2008 from web
  18. All my tweets are pure fiction especially the ones about masturbation. Unrelated: my mom just joined Twitter. - @ttseco 7:42 AM Sep 22nd, 2008 from web
  19. I can't wait for the next great dust bowl and the depressing novels that describe it. Too soon? - @awryone 7:08 AM Sep 21st, 2008 from web
  20. To enjoy the full comedic effect, it's best to self-tan simultaneously as you're whitening your teeth. - @phillygirl 7:06 AM Sep 20th, 2008 from TweetLater