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ConanOBrien

  1. CBS greenlit a sitcom based on Groupon. Why is TBS stalling on my idea “Val-Pak Buddies?”
  2. They say “opposites attract” and yet I don’t have the hots for the Tanning Mom.
  3. Today, Facebook went public, just as MySpace’s last user went private.
  4. Going on Letterman tonight for the first time in 13 years. Dave wanted to wait until I hit puberty.
  5. .@Snooki is considering filming her childbirth, on the off chance there’s someone out there who hasn’t seen her vagina yet.
  6. If Obama's the first gay president, then I'm the first gay late night host! Oh, he's not gay? Then I was being sarcastic.
  7. You know who’s behind this big push for gay marriage? The immensely powerful tuxedo industry.
  8. Instead of flowers, I sent my Mom an assortment of unsecured Greek Treasury bonds.
  9. I’m just like the Hulk, except when I’m mad, I get dry mouth.
  10. Thought from a recent hotel stay: doesn’t “Toblerone” sound like a character on Game of Thrones?
  11. Just heard someone logging onto AOL. Instead of “You’ve Got Mail” the voice now says, “Greetings, Old Fool!”
  12. This baseball season has an upside: my son gets to see the Red Sox I grew up with!
  13. I went to see “The Avengers” today and it was sold out. I looked like an idiot dressed like the Hulk during a showing of “Think Like a Man.”
  14. Tonight on #Conan, @MettaWorldPeace and I have a civilized interview. And then one of us smashes Andy in the face. bit.ly/IQWoKe
  15. Hey, say what you will about Donald Trump. Seriously, go ahead.
  16. Ever get really into playing a video game, only to discover it was just one of those high-tech Japanese toilets?
  17. Easy mistake: instead of renting MONEYBALL I accidentally rented a porn film called MILF WRANGLERS 6, VOLUME 2.
  18. What will history remember more? Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier, or Gavin DeGraw vs Jaleel White?
  19. Question for the ladies: Late-onset back hair… as sexy as I hope? #FingersCrossed
  20. People always ask me: “WHY?! OH GOD WHY?!!?” Mostly at the beach.