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CallMeBez

  1. @JustRegularBez STOP ACTING LIKE A PEDOPHILE 3:21 PM Nov 24th from web in reply to JustRegularBez
  2. Reclining on the sofa, about to fall into a deep slumber. Ooo wait! I meant "giving my husband a really good handjob!" Sorry honey. 9:34 AM Nov 24th from web
  3. Icing my knees after running a half-marathon. Then licking the icing off. 10:27 AM Nov 23rd from web
  4. The great thing about putting vodka & Red Bull in the kid's juiceboxes is watching the hilarious free show when their parents come home. 8:59 AM Nov 20th from web
  5. I am NOT a perv, I'm only chillin' in McDonald's ball pit to find tasty morsels. And I'm only naked cuz it's warm under all this plastic. 9:33 AM Nov 19th from web
  6. If one more person asks if I did gay porn in the early 80's, I'm going to have to shave my 'stache. And put my penis back in my pants. 9:12 AM Nov 18th from web
  7. [ahem] Excuse me Sir, may I please dry off my hands on your excess arm skin? The ladies room at this Wendy's has run out of paper towels. 9:26 AM Nov 17th from web
  8. HR doesn't seem to get the rules to Strip-Reply-All. Simply remove garments as the e-mail chain lengthens. I'm nude in my cubicle, I won! 10:56 AM Nov 16th from web
  9. Cheeto! Dorito! Twinkie! Come downstairs this instant! I'll never regret naming my kids while intoxicated. 1:00 PM Nov 13th from web
  10. Would I rather have manboobs or teeny penis? Tough call. Hmmm... BOTH PLEASE. 10:20 AM Nov 13th from web
  11. I knew you'd eat them all if I left the plate at the bar, so I took the nachos into the toilet with me. here, I left you about half. 10:22 AM Nov 12th from web
  12. Ever since I got my "SCARRED 4 LYFE" bumper sticker, I date guys from TV! They've all been on Dateline, but don't wanna talk about it. 10:22 AM Nov 11th from web
  13. Can't believe Dad taped over the video from my 11th Birthday with shitty, low-budget porn. hm, that wallpaper looks familia- OH GOD MY EYES 11:36 AM Nov 10th from web
  14. Who needs a birthday cake when you can just eat a bowl of butter and sugar? 10:57 AM Nov 9th from web
  15. You see son, every time a child pees in the pool a unicorn dies, but when an adult does it FIVE MORE are born. 12:10 PM Nov 6th from web
  16. ummmm, FIRST: http://twitter.com/CallMeBe... 8:52 AM Nov 6th from web
  17. Did YOUR hooker lock herself in your bedroom the whole time watching episodes of The Tony Danza Show on VHS? Oh ok, neither did mine. 11:13 AM Nov 5th from web
  18. I'm sorry, did you just say I have to stop reading The Lost Symbol while we do it? You did? Cool. We just broke up. 11:18 AM Nov 4th from web
  19. My kid caught on so fast when I taught him basic internet fraud! I'll be relaxing in the bath with a meatball sub while the CASH ROLLS IN 12:56 PM Nov 3rd from web
  20. Everybody who drove by me on the overpass liked my resident-of-a-nudist-colony costume much more once the peyote kicked in. 10:02 AM Nov 2nd from web