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BuffaloTofu

  1. Justin Timberlake hasn't released an album in six years. I guess he did receive my death threats, after all!
  2. Just ordered a drink at Starbucks with the word "cookie" in it, so hit me up if you need help making any important life decisions today.
  3. "I'm more country!" "No, I'm more country!" "I'M MORE COUNTRY THAN ALL Y'ALL!" - If Country music charts could talk
  4. Whenever someone catches me adjusting myself in public, I always have to fight the urge to yell, "Congratulations! You're today's winner!"
  5. I got so excited that this salad bar had lima beans that I convinced myself I'm dying alone.
  6. What's your guys' favorite *NSYNC song about masturbating on a webcam? Mine was always "Digital Get Down."
  7. .@rihanna Hey, girl. Just wanted to offer my services as a songwriter. I know 57 words that rhyme with "anal." Get at me.
  8. "You got it, dude!" - Michelle Tanner, oncologist
  9. Gwyneth Paltrow lowers her underwear, squats down, and steadies the ice cube tray.
  10. You're only as old as you feel. That means I'm coming up on the big second trimester!
  11. "Ya know it could be like this, just like this, always," I say to my friends as we drink on the porch, unshaven, in a collective fart cloud.
  12. If tears were lube, see ya.
  13. Pedophiles have a more nuanced understanding of child rearing than Bristol Palin.
  14. .@nytimes why didnt u pick rory gilmore for that internship u guys suck
  15. QUICK: Is it creepy to ask one of your straight friends if you can draw his hands? Asking for myself.
  16. Every professional soccer player is a member of NKOTB.
  17. This championship match between Bayern Munich and Chelsea is a real nail-biter! I think. I don't know. I'm watching Food Network.
  18. With John Travolta or in general? RT @HuffPostComedy: Have you ever had a gay experience?
  19. For those of you counting at home, it takes four beers to get me raise-my-right-arm-and-yell-"for-the-honor-of-Grayskull!" drunk.