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Brettdonttweet

  1. So today I found out if I miss the second "c" in chicken on my phone, it autocorrects to "childbearing." #ChildbearingFriedSteak about 1 hour ago via Twitter for Android
  2. Whenever I leave my room I kick the door while screaming "There's a new sheriff in town!" My roommates love it, regardless of what they say about 24 hours ago via Twitter for Android
  3. My favorite thing about YouTube is watching videos for 30sec at a time before it has to buffer again, it really ramps up the suspense 1:22 PM May 21st via Twitter for Android
  4. "wait, was it a Nokia?" I am SO fucking proud of @gimmemahwhiskay 9:36 PM May 18th via Twitter for Android
  5. Talkin about child support for some reason #FridayNights 9:21 PM May 18th via Twitter for Android
  6. Seat belt laws are dumb. If I want to continue going 45 even though my car has suddenly and violently stopped, that's my choice #Murica 10:39 AM May 14th via Twitter for Android
  7. Just bitch slapped a horsefly out of the air. Suck my dick, nature. 8:59 PM May 13th via Twitter for Android
  8. It's crazy how many things in your body could just shut down at any moment and kill you with no warning #HappyFriday! 11:42 AM May 11th via Twitter for Android
  9. The "in bed" game has never been more appropriate twitpic.com/9j9gig 4:50 PM May 9th via Twitter for Android
  10. "I think I'm getting tired of Adele, bro" - my cousin, ladies and gentlemen 7:09 PM May 2nd via Twitter for Android
  11. @gimmemahwhiskay Would've been a lot more awkward if you knew what I was doing when you called 12:03 PM May 1st via Twitter for Android in reply to gimmemahwhiskay
  12. A guy in jorts is registering three cars! THREE! Fuck you jorts guy, fuck you. 11:47 AM Apr 30th via Twitter for Android
  13. People at the end of long lines instantly form a bond, a bond of hatred for everyone else who waited til the last day to register their car 11:34 AM Apr 30th via Twitter for Android
  14. Sometimes I look at myself and think, "do I look /too/ much like Ke$ha?" 9:39 PM Apr 24th via Twitter for Android
  15. Finding out I told someone about their new favorite band is the shit #IsTheShit 6:37 PM Apr 22nd via Twitter for Android
  16. It's a 420 miracle! Free meal at 23rd street! 7:02 PM Apr 20th via Twitter for Android
  17. Awkwardly avoiding eye contact with this child because I just don't know what to fucking say to it 4:37 PM Apr 12th via Twitter for Android