Andy Borowitz

Andy Borowitz

@BorowitzReport New York
There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.
http://www.borowitzreport.com
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Andy Borowitz
The only woman who ever got a bigger reception at than Sarah Palin was Eva Braun.
 
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Andy Borowitz
Exit polls in Maine show voters agreeing with the statement, "First we have to live in Maine, and now this shit."
 
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Andy Borowitz
increasingly resembles one of those top-secret meetings attended by the Riddler, the Penguin, and the Joker.
 
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KimJongNumberUn
I totally relate to Jeremy Lin - one day nobody's heard of you and the next, you rule.
 
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Andy Borowitz
Opposing contraception on an overpopulated planet is like opposing water during a fire.
 
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Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
 
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Andy Borowitz
Coldplay's "Clocks" captures the essence of what it would sound like to be surrounded by bad-sounding clocks.
 
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Andy Borowitz
Jeremy Lin kind of reminds me of Tim Tebow except good.
 
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Andy Borowitz
If Mitt Romney had his way, there would be no American cars for him to strap his dog to.
 
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Andy Borowitz
We need to replace the system where politicians spend billions on ads to one where they pay the voters directly.
 
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Andy Borowitz
If Facebook is worth $100 billion because it has 1 billion members, Zuckerberg owes us each a check for $100.
 
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Andy Borowitz
When Newt Gingrich says "we must find a 21st century model," Callista better watch her back."
 
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Andy Borowitz
is like Colonial Williamsburg with fascists.
 
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Andy Borowitz
For those critics who say America is in decline: who leads the world in shitty vampire movies?
 
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Andy Borowitz
BREAKING: In Sign of Desperation, Romney Introduces Mischievous Dog Sidekick, Scrappy-Mitt
 
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Andy Borowitz
Attention attendees: Please plan on attending next year's CPAC, or as we call it, the Fourth Reich.
 
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KimJongNumberUn
I need a new point guard for the N. Korean national team. Willing to trade a nuclear weapon.
 
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Andy Borowitz
I was the first to predict . I said, "The Knicks cannot win unless they get someone else on this team."
 
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Andy Borowitz
There's only one word for a guy from Harvard making it in the :
 
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Andy Borowitz
Cannot believe we are