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BorowitzReport

  1. Bono is now a "contributing columnist" to the NY Times. And Frank Rich is the new lead singer of U2.
  2. Bon Jovi should do an updated "Livin' On A Prayer" in which they are now three-quarters of the way there.
  3. In her book, Palin says she doesn't believe in evolution. Her argument is Levi Johnston.
  4. Palin is a zombie politician - out of office but seemingly undead and unstoppable.
  5. Bon Jovi is U2 without the pretension. As a result, Bon Jovi kicks U2's ass.
  6. FULL STORY: US, China in Race to Pollute Moon's Water http://tinyurl.com/yazt5yc
  7. Palin, Prejean, Coulter to Star in Fascist 'Charlie's Angels'
  8. US, China in Race to Pollute Water on Moon
  9. Counterintuitive: We have 10% unemployment, yet Jeff Zucker still has a job.
  10. Tickets sold out for my show with Susie Essman tomorrow - but a few at the door: http://tinyurl.com/yzycvfu
  11. Carrie Prejean's Audiobook to be Read by Vibrator
  12. I hope the terrorists lose their court cases - otherwise, the terrorists win.
  13. @sarahelabance Trying to sell our books. That feels like a parole requirement.
  14. There are actual vultures circling over Miami. They must know the publishing industry is in town.
  15. Instead of KSM let's call him Ka-Shizzle.
  16. On the news, they're annoyingly calling Khalid Sheikh Mohammed "KSM," like he's a rapper.
  17. Prejean Advocates Legalizing Marriage Between Woman and Vibrator
  18. On MSNBC now: Cat playing piano.
  19. The room service menu said "two eggs any style," so I ordered them doggy style.
  20. Hey Miami! I'm doing a free show with Susie Essman Sunday at 5: http://tinyurl.com/yzycvfu