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AinsleyofAttack

  1. McDonalds has the "Mc." Apple has the "i." The signature prefix for teenage girl next to me is the "OMG," pronounced squeal-squeal-SQUEAL.5:00 AM Nov 9th from Birdhouse
  2. There is no way I can sing along to a Rush song without inadvertently convincing dogs two towns over that there is a burglar on the loose.10:15 AM Nov 7th from Birdhouse
  3. I will list blogging as a skill on my resume, right under chewing gum on the treadmill.12:00 PM Nov 6th from Birdhouse
  4. Jay-Z is performing at the World Series parade where A-Rod is wearing dark glasses and a fedora. I believe this is called a "power douche."11:06 AM Nov 6th from Birdhouse
  5. Once it's below 55 degrees, my fingers turn into those of a 17th century washwoman. I don't masturbate, I exfoliate.2:03 PM Nov 5th from Birdhouse
  6. Songs to edit to: "Colon With My Homies," "We Got the Punc," "Comma Police," and "It's The End Of The Word As We Know It."9:21 AM Nov 5th from Birdhouse
  7. I think all of my intimacy issues can be linked to growing up with a grandmother who incessantly played Willie Nelson's "On The Road Again."8:08 AM Nov 5th from Birdhouse
  8. My boyfriend threatens to break up with me when I talk about getting breast implants. He doesn't know he's doing it wrong.8:02 PM Nov 4th from Birdhouse
  9. I feed my dog treats so she'll love me forever. I do the same thing with my boyfriend and my snatch. I try not to confuse the two.6:26 PM Nov 4th from Birdhouse
  10. Certain women shouldn't eat bananas in public.12:25 PM Nov 4th from Birdhouse
  11. When I pull on American Apparel underwear, I either feel high or syphilitic.1:07 PM Nov 3rd from Birdhouse
  12. "Avatar" looks like it's the Creed of movies.9:14 AM Nov 2nd from Birdhouse
  13. Platform heels, glitter smears, one with a pink wig in hand: walks of shame this morning look like they were run over by a Mardi Gras float.6:22 AM Nov 1st from Birdhouse
  14. The ladies' room during a Halloween party is like the ultimate intoduction to a porno, only with lots of plastic fangs and tampons.6:43 PM Oct 30th from Birdhouse
  15. Okay, so the answer to "What color is your parachute?" isn't "The same color as my lipstick."5:30 PM Oct 30th from Birdhouse
  16. My dad is being Catwoman for Halloween. He bought a pleather bodysuit and heels. I'm being Daughter With Explicable Psychological Problems.12:37 PM Oct 29th from Birdhouse
  17. My chronicles of phones, photos, and penises: http://tinyurl.com/yjbkxf27:30 AM Oct 29th from web
  18. Working-out optimism: they aren't "sit-ups," they're "lay-down-teasers."4:46 AM Oct 29th from Birdhouse
  19. I could make a budget film about the things in my bedroom and call it "Normal Activity." It would gross millions. Out. I meant gross out.2:23 PM Oct 28th from Birdhouse
  20. "Pandemic" is just "panic" spelled with a few extra letters and paying CNN anchors' mortgages.11:21 AM Oct 27th from Birdhouse