AinsleyofAttack
- If it's the clothes that make the man, it's the sunglasses that make the douche.about 21 hours ago from txt
- Thank God for spare tires. My old one was as flat as a Russian gymnast.12:48 PM Jul 9th from txt
- For neurologists to call them "mini-stokes" is so two years ago. They really should rebrand them "100 Calorie Pack Strokes."12:00 PM Jul 8th from txt
- Three of my friends just got engaged over the course of two days. Zales must be having a sale.6:17 AM Jul 8th from txt
- All right, microwave, so you're broken. That doesn't mean you can just sit there. Welcome to life as a cabinet, meet my new box of crackers.3:30 PM Jul 7th from web
- The words "seafood" and "fiesta" should never be used in tandem to describe anything that goes in one's mouth. Well, almost anything.4:27 PM Jul 6th from txt
- Mosquitoes really need lightening bugs' PR guy.5:13 PM Jul 5th from txt
- I can't declare independence from my neighbor's stereo system and his love of Motley Crue's Greatest Hits. The bombs, cursing, big hair...10:22 AM Jul 4th from txt
- Shopping. It's like Y2K reinvented itself to be in July, involve a meat shortage, and only Ore Ida potatoes will keep the zombies at bay.12:45 PM Jul 3rd from txt
- When history shows mention thumb screws I forget they're a torture device, not just a mutually unsatisfying amateur heavy-petting technique.2:07 PM Jul 2nd from txt
- Maybe there are only dinosaurs in heaven.7:56 AM Jul 1st from txt
- The deli guy's shocked that I know which Yankees are on the DL. I'm guessing the only list he thinks a woman pays attention to is grocery.11:39 AM Jun 30th from web
- Not having a phone is like breaking both hands while making out. Then your penis evaporates. And customer service is closed until 7AM CST.5:40 AM Jun 29th from web
- The refrigerator and my cellphone enacted "Romeo and Juliet" today. "It is humid in the east, and my appliances don't run." Exeunt.1:21 PM Jun 27th from web
- It's a little-known fact that the etymology of the term "rush hour" was actually the misheard Latin translation for "douche hour."1:35 PM Jun 26th from txt
- Well, at least he can do remake of Thriller.4:50 PM Jun 25th from txt
- A penitentiary or Christian electronics store would be great places for a massive television blaring The 700 Club. A doctor's office is not.7:28 AM Jun 25th from txt
- Actual conversation: (Silence) Me: "Do you dream?" Mom: "Yes. Last night I dreamt you shot me to death." My life, written by Samuel Beckett.12:01 PM Jun 24th from txt
- Hanging a dreamcatcher from a rearview mirror makes no sense. Maybe it's the motorist equivalent of a medical alert bracelet for narcolepsy.6:26 AM Jun 23rd from txt
- Doctor: "Some people read tea leaves, I read cervixes." Since he tried six tools and made me both scream and cry, I wish I'd used a psychic.6:42 AM Jun 22nd from txt
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