badbanana
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I bought a motorcycle just so I could wear a helmet to work and secretly sleep in meetings.
about 3 hours ago
via web
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@ Uh, other way around friend-o. Check the time stamps.
about 20 hours ago
via web
in reply to zackydoo
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If I were president, I'd send SEAL Team Six in to rescue Siri from Zooey Deschanel.
5:20 PM May 22nd
via web
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Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.
10:31 AM May 22nd
via web
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Green Day played at Zuckerberg's wedding? I'm surprised they weren't too busy with their Broadway show or other punk rock stuff.
3:22 PM May 21st
via web
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Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
2:02 PM May 21st
via web
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Okay, who wants to publish my manuscript? It's mostly a box of chicken bones and empty soda bottles, so I'll need a good editor.
8:07 PM May 18th
via web
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I bet at least three of these new Facebook gazillionaires are thinking about becoming Batman.
4:45 PM May 18th
via web
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Facebook is the new American Dream. Get an idea, build something, renounce citizenship to avoid taxes, sell for billions.
9:02 AM May 18th
via web
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If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.
8:18 AM May 18th
via web
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Sorry I haven't tweeted much this week. I've been counting the members of The Polyphonic Spree.
2:54 PM May 17th
via web
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Big shoes aren't scary enough, clowns. Try teeny-tiny baby shoes.
8:32 AM May 15th
via Twitter for iPad
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Saw a guy with a "Will work for food" sign so I gave him a piñata.
4:22 PM May 12th
via web
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Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of mediocre stuff. It's like being a Coldplay fan.
10:08 AM May 11th
via web
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I'm basically shuffling papers and watching the clock until the next Batman movie.
8:02 AM May 11th
via web
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They better find life on other planets soon. We're almost out of new gum flavors.
8:44 PM May 10th
via web
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I have a weakness when it comes to lifting things.
3:09 PM May 10th
via web
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If I were a vampire, I'd sleep in a tank. Then if someone tried to attack me during the day, I'd already be in a tank.
10:12 AM May 10th
via web
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From a Wendy's commercial. I believe it's flan on top of a brown paper bag filled with mango.
8:39 PM May 9th
via Twitter for Android
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I always carry a couple of smoke bombs in case someone wants to high-five.
5:23 PM May 9th
via web
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