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JimGaffigan

  1. When is it going to be the beautiful people’s turn? How about letting them be on the cover of a magazine or sing a pop song?
  2. @TCrabtree83 @mrdavehill For the crack you have to buy two of them. Also why don't you drop and give me ten push ups!
  3. My son is starting to walk. I guess that's impressive. After 11 months of lying around. He still doesn't speak English. Pathetic.
  4. Everyone should buy the new @mrdavehill book “Tasteful Nudes”. You don’t have to read it. Just buy it.
  5. The only thing more depressing than being fat is the thought of being hungry.
  6. Thx for having me RT @jimmyfallon Funny people on the show tonight: @JimGaffigan, @pennjillette & @MrTeller. #LateNight
  7. Upcoming shows at Foxwoods, Borgata (AC) and a bus tour through east coast of US & Canada tkts here say.ly/dom3nDb
  8. Has NETFLIX streaming been classified as an addiction yet?
  9. I'm usually the smartest person in the room. Granted I'm usually alone when i think that but it still feels good though.
  10. I’m going to be on Fallon tomorrow night. Anything you want me to bring up to him?
  11. .@Lin_Manuel Your first name is cooler than I've ever been.
  12. Hey @pattonoswalt great job hosting the Webbys.
  13. This is the least subtle way to sell tickets to a show. say.ly/OWw3mAO
  14. If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
  15. My 11-month old walks like he's auditioning to be an extra on "Walking Dead."
  16. When is @rihanna going to get some media coverage?
  17. @joerogan But then they become friends. Close friends.
  18. Like most pale people I will be occupying the indoors this summer.