3hoss
- Think hard before you turn over a new leaf. You might find a huge scary bug and waste lot of time killing it, instead of kicking smack.about 6 hours ago from Birdhouse
- You should never make fun of someone's name. Except for Chubby Wankerton. We all know his parents would have wanted it that way.
RIP, yo.about 19 hours ago from Birdhouse
- What's a retired pirate to do?, asked Roy. Disney ain't hirin'. That's when he made up his mind, to be the best homeless insane pirate ever.about 22 hours ago from Birdhouse
- It's okay to take money from your kid's piggy banks if you blame it on an evil dwarf. Later, you can show them your dwarf costume & laugh.about 24 hours ago from web
- Sometimes it seems like a person in a painting is watching you. But make sure you're not watching Scooby Doo, because that scared me once.12:10 PM Jul 17th from web
- When I was young, my parents used to take me to visit an old wise man. He told me lots of things, but I mostly remember his old man smell.10:00 AM Jul 17th from web
- If you're the kind of pirate that has a talking parrot, you should introduce him to some new people, because how else will he make friends?7:24 AM Jul 17th from web
- The first time you throw a dead octopus on somebody, it's funny. But, the second time, it's even funnier, so be sure to have a few ready.6:51 PM Jul 16th from Birdhouse
- Pee shivers are my gateway drug.5:33 PM Jul 16th from Birdhouse
- One way to scare a stranger is to jump out at them wearing a scary mask. Another way is to do the same thing, but this time with a machete.12:19 PM Jul 16th from web
- If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is be really rich, because that seems to work.10:21 AM Jul 16th from web
- Of all my failures, not winning a boxcar derby is the most disappointing. Also, not being born in the olden days when they still had those.7:24 AM Jul 16th from web
- Tom Wolfe was right; you can't go home again.
Not until I "admit I have a problem" and "apologize to the cats" and "stop using air quotes."5:15 PM Jul 15th from Birdhouse
- Entropy can be good. Until you lose your keys. Then you want to yell at entropy, but you can't, because entropy isn't a person, you idiot.9:25 AM Jul 15th from web
- It's important to be earnest. But if your name is Ernest, maybe you should focus on something else, like sword swallowing.6:52 AM Jul 15th from web
- Never attack someone's belief system.
Except for Greek mythology, because, come on, that Oracle chick was high on something.5:44 PM Jul 14th from Birdhouse
- If you're ever in an earthquake, try to take a picture of yourself to look at afterwards. I bet you'll be making a really funny face.9:42 AM Jul 14th from web
- Sometimes I think that a zebra symbolizes the harmony of man. Then I think some more & remember I was drunk when I thought that.
Nevermind.7:41 AM Jul 14th from web
- People on planes really like to look out the window. Which is a good time to draw a picture of them falling out of a plane on their napkin.12:13 PM Jul 13th from web
- When empire building, always bring extra underwear.
The bathrooms in those places are sub-standard, and I had a hard time finding the Gap.8:11 AM Jul 13th from Birdhouse
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- Name Eric Hoss
- Location Parts Unknown, Michigan
- Bio I'm the blurry guy in the background of that picture you still have from high school. No, not that one.
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![Matt [Redacted]](http://s3.amazonaws.com/twitter_production/profile_images/300876420/MattRomanceProfileCropped_mini.jpg){kind=small}
